Jill’s Story
Heart pounding, escalating rage to
the point of explosion, fury to the point of becoming physically harmful. These
are just a few of the emotions that I have experienced. I am a mother of four
beautiful children, but there were times when my anger reached its boiling
point and I felt that I could inflict serious harm. For a few months my
outbursts were getting consistently worse and worse. I knew it and I know my
family feared it.
When my anger would come to its boiling point, my heart rate
would increase and if I could reach my children I would even hit them if they
yelling didn't satisfy my rage. Not only did I emotionally experience my anger,
I felt it. It coursed through my body and I felt it took control of me. I knew
what I was feeling inside was real, raw emotion and frankly - it scared me. It
scared me because my explosions were not your normal 'chew your kids out for
not brushing their teeth.' The anger was rooted much deeper and took control of
my thoughts, my physical reactions and the words that came out of my mouth.
When mornings came, I was at my
worst. The stress of getting my children ready and off to school was too much
at times. My husband would already be at work and didn't witness my outpouring
of anger. He would never have tolerated my behavior and some days I think this
stoked the fire because I knew I could get away with what I was doing.
I was emotionally abusing my children
and I knew it needed to come to an end. I felt like my life, my attitude, my
outlook, my control was no longer mine. At this point in my life, sorry
wouldn't cut the damage I had created. I started to shut myself in my room and
became despondent towards my family. Hurting them was taking a toll on me and I
felt staying in my room wouldn't allow me to be a source of negative energy in
our home.
Acting out was something I had
experienced as a child and knew the devastation it could cause. I witnessed my
parents fight with each other more than experiencing their anger towards me,
but the consequences of the bitterness still weighs heavily on me. Because of
this knowledge I often would ask myself, "What is wrong with me? Why am I
hurting those that I love?" I knew what I was doing wasn't okay and I knew
deep in my heart that I was scaring my children. My tone, words and actions
were hurting them and I could see it in their eyes. I was going against
everything that I wanted to be. It wasn't getting any better and I felt that I just needed
help.
I decided that I needed to come clean
with my husband. I was so frightened to tell my husband. My husband is
extremely calm and easy going. He is the peacemaker in our home. Swearing, hitting
and yelling are out of the question for him. He is actually so calm that it
sometimes makes me angry! But this is one of the things that I admire and love
most about him. I really strive to be more like him, but I sincerely feel that
it is not in my make-up. We are wired completely differently.
When I approached him, he knew I had
been stressed the past little while but he didn't know how bad it had gotten. I
broke down and told him how I have been treating the kids. I have never been
afraid to talk to my husband, but for some reason I was afraid of his
reactions. For him, it was a simple fix. To him, he claims it is easy; you just
stop and don't do it again. As I was talking I could tell he didn't get it. I
told him how I thought the anger and the frustration controlled me. I expressed
how much I have hurt the children and something needed to change. I then told
him I was going to see
Dr. Dewey and try and get on some meds to help even out my
emotions. He responded, "I don't know what to do." I was so upset by
his answer. I wanted help! Not blank stares. In this instance I walked out of
the room and went to each of my child's bedroom, broke down and apologized to
each of them individually for my behavior. Three out of the four children cried
with me and told me it's okay. I could see in their eyes how much I had hurt
them. I then told them, "No, it's not okay for me to act that way." I
asked for forgiveness and patience. I told them I was going to work on it and
go see the doctor.
I felt like I didn't have time to see a
therapist so I decided to go ask Dr. Dewey for some Prozac. I thought if I
could just take the pill and get through the next five months, then summer
would be here and I could seek anger management help.
The next day I made an appointment
with Dr. Dewey. When I checked in at the office, they ask how I was doing and
what I was seeing Dr. Dewey about. My exact thoughts were, "I'm a crazy
lady taking out everything on my kids and need some meds to control me." I
was hoping it would be easy and a fast fix. After expressing myself to Dr.
Dewey, I felt better, but I felt embarrassed and stupid for acting the way I
did and now telling my doctor about my problems. Did I get the Prozac?
No!
Dr.Dewey’s Input
I spent some
time talking about the pros and cons of Prozac, anti-depressants and asked some
pointed questions about the sign and symptoms of depression. Susan was not depressed. So many people
are dealing with frustration, anger, and anxiety and are being treated wrongly
with anti-depressants.
The
underlying question then becomes where does this anger, frustration and emotion
come from. Is it hormones? Is it finances? Is it loss of love in home from
spouse or children? Is it being too busy – too much stress?
I believe
all of these play a role and the solution isn’t easy. Finding peace through self-reflection,
service, exercise, spiritual investment, and education are all helpful. Writing
in a journal is helpful. Sometimes medication is useful.
This can be
a dangerous time for the individual and the relationships as sometimes one
might start looking for a remedy in the wrong place. Alcohol, sedatives,
narcotics, marital affairs, and gambling are all potential false answers one
might choose to try and find peace.
This is life
and what it is really all about. A great opportunity to grow, learn and find
joy and peace despite the risks of sadness and hardship. What a blessing to be
alive. Jill is doing well and focusing her energies in positive ways to find
the peace that comes from investing oneself in being a whole and complete
person. She has allowed herself to have serious imperfections (as we all do).
She’s giving herself some space.
