More books.

I have finished two books since I last made an entry.  They were both excellent!  The first was a book in the Jack Reacher series by Lee Childs.  Tom Cruise starred in a recent movie called Jack Reacher.  My wife and I saw it sort of by accident as the movie we wanted to see had already left the theatre.  It was excellent and we both enjoyed it.  It is a type of detective thriller. So, I was looking in Smith's for a new book to read. Just wanted a fictional novel for the pure enjoyment of relaxing while reading and I saw this series by Lee Childs.  There are 5 or 6 books about this fictional character named Jack Reacher who is an ex Army police detective.  They are very well written and exciting with a reasonable plot.  The book I just finished was called Echo Burning.  

The second book I would highly recommend is titled "These is My Words" by Nancy Turner.  It is the fictionalized diary of a western woman who helped settle the Arizona Territories in the 1880's and 1890's.  Marvelous and entertaining as well as educational.  You will learn to love Sara Prine who is the main character in the book.

Book Club

I hope the book club will interest some of you.  Let's write a summary of the book and why we liked the book.  Here are three I'd like to start with.

1) A Thousands Splendid Suns.  Hosseini.  This is the second book by this Afghanistan author, the first called The Kite Runner.  The Splendid Suns book is the story of several women living and surviving in Afghanistan during the height of the Taliban. The brutal conditions and suffering these women have to bear causes one to wonder about the cruelty of man and makes even more poignant the kindness and love we can show each other.  The heroine in the book (in my estimation) becomes a Christ figure.  One of my top ten books of all time.

2) The Bean Tree. Kingslover.  A story about a young woman setting out on her own to find out about the world and about herself.  The vernacular and colloquial writing style is pleasant and adds so much enjoyment.  It is also a great story.

3) The Education of Little Tree. Carter. A series of true stories written by the man who experienced them.  It is heartwarming and genuine with the visual imagery of the hill people and the simple but insightful wisdom that comes from living a good but hard life.  Again, the vernacular of these people is so pleasing to read and the stories are not only humorous but will bring tears to your eyes from the heart.

Our Facebook/Blog Contest Winner!

Congratulations to our contest winner Sherri! We will be starting our new contest in May 2013. Updates Coming Soon!

Where do I fit in? Part 2

Dr. Dewey: I have started thinking and pondering. Here is a quote that keeps coming into my head, “most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them”. Maybe we can learn much from those that have felt much and written much. That was a quote from Thorou, Henry David.

Alice: Thank you for your response. It doesn’t really help me know what to do though…me and my wild streak.

What do you mean by this statement? “I believe you need to examine carefully where you want to jump but that you do need to jump.” I agree that I need to channel these feelings, and I’m trying to do so in a way that isn’t going to damage me…too bad. I think you are totally right that through some pain and anguish we can learn and grow. I’m fine with my own pain…to a certain extent, but I’m trying to keep in mind that I have a husband, children and extended family that will be hurt if I act too rashly. Let me give you a little idea of what I’m talking about. We are considering opening our marriage a little. I think that Kevin has been thinking about it for a while. It’s fun and exciting. He and I are of the same mind that it is so intriguing and sexually stimulating, but we are wary that it might ruin us both. We’ve talked a lot about what we want and need. I’m having a hard time separating the two things. Do I really need to have attention from other men to feel good and sexy about myself…or do I just want it? He and I have always had a bit more loose lifestyle, but do I dare take it to the next level? I feel like I am becoming a shallow existence of the person I once was. I love being social and making people laugh. Now I find myself alone nearly every day tending to children and the duties of a stay at home mom. This isn’t a bad thing, necessarily, but I feel like I am being lost in it. It is very difficult for me to get turned on at the end of a hectic day. I know this is the case for a lot of mothers, and busy women. I am not one of those women that turn my husband away, and we have a quite active sex life. I’m trying to find a happy medium where I am happy with who I am, and I feel sexually satisfied.

Dr. Dewey: I am still thinking about where I would suggest you jump. Not an easy answer. As I think about your considering an “open marriage” it would be exciting but I believe very strongly casual sex is empty and leaves one feeling used and alone. The emotional connection needed to make physical intimacy meaningful would tend to lead to feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. It would hurt some or all at some point in time.

Alice: My husband is of the mind that a lot of things are okay as long as they are casual. He doesn’t want me to get emotionally involved with someone else. We’ve spent a lot of time discussing this…but still aren’t sure where we stand. Last night we were thinking we would bag the whole thing. Today…I was face-timing with a guy I met through a couples dating site. Obviously, we flop easily. We are going very slow. We don’t want to get caught up in the lust of it and do something rash.

Dr. Dewey: Alice, I have been thinking about your situation a great deal. You seem to feel there is more out there, that life is passing you by and there should be more meaning to your existence. You are bored with the way things are in many aspects and want a change.

In any event, looking for more in life is a common issue and I think a good thing. It is just important where you expect to find it. As exciting as it might sound, casual sex in a meaningless relationship, is not going to do it. It will do just the opposite and leave you empty and feeling used. You for sure need to find something “meaningful”.

Here is part of a poem I found, “A critical point of this life, it surely seems to me, is to create and not destroy, it is without question a key. Whether it be a building, a painting, or a piece of pottery; these temporal things can add immensely to who we are, and who we come to be. As I sit here and ponder this idea of creation, (a garden of peas, an orchard of trees, the fresh mown grass as it blows in the breeze), all add to the joy that builds within our being, and yes it’s true that it does seem to please.”

Exponentially greater then these examples I’ve shared, is the meaning that comes forth when two people are paired. Two souls in the cosmos as we travel along can sometimes come together from the midst of the throng…

What this is suggesting is creation is the key. It may be temporal things that you do that will lead you to peace. These are certainly safer then creating new human relationships, but I believe it is also true that it is the human relationships that bring the most meaning. When two people build a deep emotional connection it is “creating” but in the wrong circumstance or when it is based on superficial selfishness it will be destroying.

I am interested in how you feel about the current dissatisfaction in your life and what it will take to satisfy. Do you know yet? I sense it has to do with creating and needs to have substance. What are you thinking regarding this? Maybe you should build a library?

Alice: I feel like a very unsuccessful person right about now. I should be totally satisfied. I have everything anyone could ever want in life. Right? I’ve been thinking about the creating thing. I just don’t know what I would create. What do you mean build a library?

Dr. Dewey: Building a library was sort of a joke, but would satisfy a desire to create temporally (the building) and intellectually (the books or the intellect contained within the books). You are creating now, look at the children you are continuing to shape and mold, look at your body that you are continuing to improve.

My suggestion is you continue in those wonderful and fulfilling endeavors and then add a serious intellectual pursuit. Get a degree in English literature, become an RN, study religions of the Far East. Start an in depth study of Mormonism and its history.

Set a goal to become a president of a clothing company or an on line gourmet food store.

What interests you? Getting to know another man would be exciting and fulfilling only if you could really get connected mentally but that would lead to frustration because of the other issues such as time restraints, money, sex, kids, etc. Life is so interesting and exciting and challenging and there for the taking. All we need to do is reach out, put forth the effort and gather it in. Easier said than done. Most of us have had our share of relationship challenges and know firsthand all of the frustrations that come from unfulfilled emotions and jealousy and time constraints, etc… I know for me  patience has been a huge source of peace and now for me, peace is a far more preferred emotion then happiness. The more patient I am, the more peace I have found in my life.

Alice: I think that I have been very self-absorbed. Unfortunately all the worrying about me has just added more chaos and turmoil to my household. The main job I have in life right now is to be a wife and mother…neither of which am I doing very well currently. I feel like things have spiraled out of control .I thought that other relationships, especially sexually charged ones, would make me feel good about me. I was wrong. Years ago when I was a younger mother I started reading about an organizational guru name Marla Ciley. She is better known as the Flylady. She is all about routines. While I found the majority of what she says to be cheesy and ridiculous, I liked the routines. It made me feel in control, and successful. Running also does this for me, it has made me learn to control my body. I feel like I’m losing the life that I have worked years to set up. I’m ashamed. I eat more. I sleep less, and the anxiety is getting bigger. I think that you are right. I need to find something else to help me feel fulfilled. I’ve always valued the relationships I have with my friends, but am often disappointed when I “love” them more than they “love” me. I realize that sounds quite melodramatic, but no one wants to be in a relationship where they are always the pursuer. I have quite a few friends that confide in me and want me to help them through issues they have. But then when the roles are reversed, I feel like I don’t have a lot of confidants in return. This week I’m focusing on getting my family organized and having our home flow better. I think that’s a good start for me. I started my focused training for my first marathon in May. After I feel like I’m not running in circles trying to clear the haze I’ve created in my mind, I’m going to find something to do that’s just for me. There isn’t a lot that doesn’t interest me…so it should be easy to find a serious intellectual pursuit. I hope I can learn to be more patient and find peace that way.

Dr. Dewey: I agree with what you are saying about some routine and our understanding what our primary responsibilities are at any given time in our lives. Yours is to be a wife and mother first.  Mine is to be a husband, father, grandfather, provider and to improve those relationships. Another major “job” for me right now is to come to know God more intimately. That sounds corny but it is how I feel. I am not always doing all the church asks of me but I am accepting my weakness and transgressions and honest feelings and still seeking that closeness to Heavenly Father I feel is there.

Balance is elusive and personal fulfillment should include a healthy physical self and all the running and working out that entails. It is also about intellectual improvement and spiritual improvement. My relationships with others are for the most part fulfilling, but I often want to be closer.

Question 10, Is it safe to have sex while pregnant?

It might be well to first discuss the physiology of the sexual response in women.  There would be no problems to mother or fetus related to sexual arousal. Blood flow to the pelvic organs is increased and some lubricating fluids are produced neither of which would be harmful.

During female orgasm, there is some vaginal muscle contractions but aside from an increased pelvic organ blood 'congestion' no significant changes occur to the uterus including blood flow to the placenta. Some women describe uterine contractions with intercourse but this is not a result of female orgasm but the effects of the semen.  Semen has a compound in it named a prostaglandin.  In fact that is where this chemical got its name.  It was found some time ago that fluid from the prostate gland would cause the smooth muscle of the uterus to contract.  It is true that a woman who is threatening pre-term labor or who has an advanced cervical dilatation may be 'pushed' into labor by the prostaglandin in semen but in normal situations it is not a problem.  In fact, sometimes, we might encourage a woman near term to have sexual intercourse as the semen may help soften, thin and dilate the cervix.

There may be an increased risk of infection as bacteria are introduced into the vagina by the mechanics of penile penetration but again, in normal circumstances this is not a concern.  If the male has a sexual transmissible infection this could certainly be a problem.

One last comment about the mechanics of intercourse.  Some have expressed a concern about the potential of the erect penis causing some mechanical harm to the fetal head.  This is impossible and not a concern at all.

There are some benefits of sexual intimacy during pregnancy.  Having an orgasm is almost always a stress relieving and relaxing event.  The anxiety of pregnancy can be benefited by this.  It often allows a better nights sleep as well. Since one of the difficulties during pregnancy for a woman is getting a good nights sleep this may be helpful.  A woman's sense of self image and beauty is often challenged with the physical changes that accompany pregnancy.  A husband who reassures his wife that he finds her beautiful and attractive can also be very important and what better way to express this then by letting her know he would like to be with her physically.

Finally, a woman's interest in physical intimacy is quite variable from one woman to the next and even from one pregnancy to another.  The hormonal changes so pronounced during gestation are hard to predict and are varied.  It behooves a caring partner to be aware of these complicated emotions and try and discern how his wife is responding to these hormonal changes.  Act accordingly men.  Women, you need to be aware that most men find the physical changes that are occurring to your body arousing, stimulating and attractive.  Enjoy these changes, enjoy your pregnancy and be assured it is healthy and beneficial in almost all circumstances to enjoy physical intimacy.

Answer question 9, How much weight should I gain while pregnant?

There are still many health care professionals who feel caloric intake should be increased during pregnancy.  This idea is based on the baby and the reproductive organs requiring more calories.  It has merit but by far and away the biggest problem we see in the U.S. is too much weight gain.

The healthy mom who stays active and eats a normal diet without trying to "eat for two" will gain about 20 lbs.. Anything above this is not necessary. The extra weight represents the fetus, the fluid around the fetus, the placenta and the extra blood volume the mother carries.  It also is representative of the extra fat stores mom needs to feed her baby if she breast feeds.  It takes about 500 calories per day to feed a growing newborn.  So if the baby, fluid and placenta weigh about 10lbs. total this leaves about 10lbs. of fat stores for feeding baby.

If mom is eating regularly, not over eating, after delivery she will easily get the extra 500 calories per day needed for the nursing baby.  The natural storage of the extra weight is an emergency storage in case the mom is put in a starvation situation.  That is so rare of a problem in the U.S. I have never seen it.

So,  a 20 lb, weight gain is ideal in pregnancy. This leaves a 10 lb. buffer which will probably not be needed anyway.  I should mention that gaining way more then this is the norm in the U.S.. Most mothers put on 40 lbs. and I have seen 90 lb, weight gains more then you would think.  I do not worry about a 40 or 50 lb. wt. gain as it doesn't really affect the baby and moms do fine.  It gets tough to lose pregnancy weight for most women so I encourage the lower weight gains but usually don't make a big deal of it.  It is not that big a deal. No pun intended. ;)

Question #8: Is it normal to have pelvic/uterine cramping while pregnant?

It is not uncommon at all to feel menstrual like cramps throughout pregnancy. The uterus is basically a muscle and designed to contract.  As with any muscle it resists stretching.  The slow but steady growth of the fetus subtly over time enlarges the uterus and during that process the smooth muscle will contract to one degree or another.

Early in pregnancy I get asked all of the time if it means there is an increased in miscarrying.  As long as there is no bleeding it feel it is nothing to worry about.  Later in pregnancy there is a concern as to whether the cramping represents labor.  It is very common to have a lot of uterine cramping at about 6-7 months and continuing through pregnancy.  A woman who has had a child already will experience this more.  These are called Braxton-Hicks contractions named after an English physician.  They are harmless.

I would say the best way to determine if these false labor contractions (Braxton-Hicks) are truly false labor is to trust your instincts.  Almost all women know for sure when real labor starts.  It is much more painful, more regular and over several hours will progress and become more painful and the contractions closer together while maintaining their regular frequent nature.