Jill's Story

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Jill’s Story

Heart pounding, escalating rage to the point of explosion, fury to the point of becoming physically harmful. These are just a few of the emotions that I have experienced. I am a mother of four beautiful children, but there were times when my anger reached its boiling point and I felt that I could inflict serious harm. For a few months my outbursts were getting consistently worse and worse. I knew it and I know my family feared it.

When my anger would come to its boiling point, my heart rate would increase and if I could reach my children I would even hit them if they yelling didn't satisfy my rage. Not only did I emotionally experience my anger, I felt it. It coursed through my body and I felt it took control of me. I knew what I was feeling inside was real, raw emotion and frankly - it scared me. It scared me because my explosions were not your normal 'chew your kids out for not brushing their teeth.' The anger was rooted much deeper and took control of my thoughts, my physical reactions and the words that came out of my mouth.

When mornings came, I was at my worst. The stress of getting my children ready and off to school was too much at times. My husband would already be at work and didn't witness my outpouring of anger. He would never have tolerated my behavior and some days I think this stoked the fire because I knew I could get away with what I was doing.

I was emotionally abusing my children and I knew it needed to come to an end. I felt like my life, my attitude, my outlook, my control was no longer mine. At this point in my life, sorry wouldn't cut the damage I had created. I started to shut myself in my room and became despondent towards my family. Hurting them was taking a toll on me and I felt staying in my room wouldn't allow me to be a source of negative energy in our home.

Acting out was something I had experienced as a child and knew the devastation it could cause. I witnessed my parents fight with each other more than experiencing their anger towards me, but the consequences of the bitterness still weighs heavily on me. Because of this knowledge I often would ask myself, "What is wrong with me? Why am I hurting those that I love?" I knew what I was doing wasn't okay and I knew deep in my heart that I was scaring my children. My tone, words and actions were hurting them and I could see it in their eyes. I was going against everything that I wanted to be. It wasn't getting any better and I felt that I just needed help.

I decided that I needed to come clean with my husband. I was so frightened to tell my husband. My husband is extremely calm and easy going. He is the peacemaker in our home. Swearing, hitting and yelling are out of the question for him. He is actually so calm that it sometimes makes me angry! But this is one of the things that I admire and love most about him. I really strive to be more like him, but I sincerely feel that it is not in my make-up. We are wired completely differently.

When I approached him, he knew I had been stressed the past little while but he didn't know how bad it had gotten. I broke down and told him how I have been treating the kids. I have never been afraid to talk to my husband, but for some reason I was afraid of his reactions. For him, it was a simple fix. To him, he claims it is easy; you just stop and don't do it again. As I was talking I could tell he didn't get it. I told him how I thought the anger and the frustration controlled me. I expressed how much I have hurt the children and something needed to change. I then told him I was going to see

Dr. Dewey and try and get on some meds to help even out my emotions. He responded, "I don't know what to do." I was so upset by his answer. I wanted help! Not blank stares. In this instance I walked out of the room and went to each of my child's bedroom, broke down and apologized to each of them individually for my behavior. Three out of the four children cried with me and told me it's okay. I could see in their eyes how much I had hurt them. I then told them, "No, it's not okay for me to act that way." I asked for forgiveness and patience. I told them I was going to work on it and go see the doctor.  

 I felt like I didn't have time to see a therapist so I decided to go ask Dr. Dewey for some Prozac. I thought if I could just take the pill and get through the next five months, then summer would be here and I could seek anger management help.  

The next day I made an appointment with Dr. Dewey. When I checked in at the office, they ask how I was doing and what I was seeing Dr. Dewey about. My exact thoughts were, "I'm a crazy lady taking out everything on my kids and need some meds to control me." I was hoping it would be easy and a fast fix.  After expressing myself to Dr. Dewey, I felt better, but I felt embarrassed and stupid for acting the way I did and now telling my doctor about my problems.  Did I get the Prozac? No!

 

Dr.Dewey’s Input

            I spent some time talking about the pros and cons of Prozac, anti-depressants and asked some pointed questions about the sign and symptoms of depression.   Susan was not depressed. So many people are dealing with frustration, anger, and anxiety and are being treated wrongly with anti-depressants.

            The underlying question then becomes where does this anger, frustration and emotion come from. Is it hormones? Is it finances? Is it loss of love in home from spouse or children? Is it being too busy – too much stress?

            I believe all of these play a role and the solution isn’t easy. Finding peace through self-reflection, service, exercise, spiritual investment, and education are all helpful. Writing in a journal is helpful. Sometimes medication is useful.

            This can be a dangerous time for the individual and the relationships as sometimes one might start looking for a remedy in the wrong place. Alcohol, sedatives, narcotics, marital affairs, and gambling are all potential false answers one might choose to try and find peace.

            This is life and what it is really all about. A great opportunity to grow, learn and find joy and peace despite the risks of sadness and hardship. What a blessing to be alive. Jill is doing well and focusing her energies in positive ways to find the peace that comes from investing oneself in being a whole and complete person. She has allowed herself to have serious imperfections (as we all do). She’s giving herself some space.

 

TETON'S-----A Pack to Remember

I have recently returned from a wonderful pack trip to the Teton's in Wyoming.  We were with some of my great friends, Doug Johnson, Lewis Bankhead and my son who is also a great friend Dylan.  It was fabulous but a tragedy had occurred since we returned.  Lewis died suddenly and unexpectedly from natural causes.  An autopsy will shed light on this horror.  It has been one of my greatest challenges.  We have taken some of the photos from the trip and I have written a poem of sorts to honor Lewis.  I'll post them here.  Hope you can feel some of the power of this great man.  SD

More to the Story

Last week we posted a story of a woman who lost her husband.  I commented that she wasn't our patient but I was wrong.  It turns out she has been seeing me for about 15 years.  There's much more to the story that I think is pertinent to this families challenge.

About 7 years ago this wife and mother came in for a check up and somewhat matter of factly stated she needed to be tested for aids.  I was a little suprised as she isn't of the background that it would be usual for her to worry about this disease.  As I asked her a few more pertinent questions I became more and more impressed with her character.

Her husband was found to have aids and upon that revelation soon came the details of his homosexual and gay lifestyle.  He had continued to have intimate relations with our patient and had exposed her several times to the virus.  She had worked through most of the hurt, anger, frustration, depression and had decided to forgive him and try to keep the family together.This was based on his assurance of his desire to do likewise and forsake his gay life style.  

I was and am amazed at this woman's courage and humility. She continued to have intimate relations with this man, using condom protection, as she felt if she was going to have a marriage it would be as normal as she could make it.

As you know from the original post about her loss it didn't work.  He couldn't stay faithful to her and continued to have gay relationships. Thus her writing to us and her "moving forward".  This is a powerful example to me of long suffering and trying to endure to the end.  She is a superstar!!

Families Change (Patient Story)

We have another new Patient Story! We love getting these stories and enjoy sharing them with you. Please let us know your feedback. Enjoy this story, we sure did...!

Families Change

Whether through death or divorce, chronic illness or tragedy, college or the armed services, missions or marriage, families change! And, when we find ourselves amidst such a change or challenge, we ask ourselves, “now what?” You wonder how you will ever sleep at night, look at the empty chair at the dinner table or celebrate the next holiday season.

My story

 

My husband and I had just celebrated our 20^th wedding anniversary with a weekend getaway.   It was picturesque and so relaxing.  We had 4 children ranging from 8 to 18 years of age, each of them so amazingly talented, in their own way.  I was working a couple of afternoons each week as a lunch recess duty at our son’s elementary school.  It was perfect.  I had enough time during the day to take care of the house, serve on the PTA and was anticipating serving as the PTA president at the junior high the following year.  I was done with diapers and was excited to spend my days serving in our ward and in our children’s schools, to sort of pay back all those wonderful women who had dedicated their time and days, when my children were all babies at home.  I was supposed to meet my husband for lunch, that afternoon, as soon as I finished at the elementary school.  I returned to the car, looked at my phone, to find a text from my husband.  It read:  “I’m sorry.  I went to the house and took my things.”

            My sweetheart had been struggling and I had been aware of his challenges for a few years prior.  Well, that day, he gave up, Satan won, and he was not only done trying but done being part of our family as we knew it.  He was gone for good.  I immediately knelt in prayer and asked Heavenly Father for peace and direction for the coming hours, weeks and even months.  I felt as though my handcart had just been loaded to its capacity, and I had been sent out to join a company, without a map, only the Spirit and my faith as a guide.  I also knew it would be hard and long------but I KNEW we would make it!!

            The next day, I posted a laminated strip on the wall in our kitchen.  It read:  Family Theme 2010, I CAN do hard things……..and SMILE!  I introduced this theme that night during family prayer.  I told my children that this was indeed a hard thing, but that our attitudes would dictate much of the outcome.  I reminded them of Pack Meeting, baseball games, softball games and community plays that they were all involved in.  I reminded them of their school work, and the importance of their personal prayers and scripture study.  Most of all, I reminded them that this family change did not DEFINE them, but that it would REFINE them.  I told them that this difficult challenge was no excuse to give up or for failure and that we all had obligations awaiting us, and to get to work!  Joseph Smith, during some very lonely and dark hours in the Liberty Jail said it best, “Therefore, let us cheerfully do all things that lie within our power.”  I found some things that really helped our family during this difficult time of family change:

 

1.        We posted a motivational Quote of the Week.  I introduce the new quote each week during Family Home Evening and we talked about how we could become better throughout the week, by keeping this thought in our minds and hearts.  One particular quote we had up was from President Monson.  It read, “We face many challenges in the world today, but I assure you that our Heavenly Father is mindful of us.  He loves each of us and will bless us as we seek Him through prayer and strive to keep his commandments.”   April 2011 General Conference

 

2.      Start a new family tradition.  That first Friday night, that my husband was gone, the stillness frightened me.  I began to feel the loneliness and I did not want my kids to feel that deep pain I was feeling.  Though, I knew it would come.  So, I announced, “Hey kids, it Friday Family Pizza Night---invite as many of your friends over to our house, I will supply the $5 pizza and let’s have fun!”  The house went from quiet loneliness to a house full of laughing kids in about 30 minutes.  We had a great time!  We were together.   Still, over a year later, everyone anticipates Friday Family Pizza night.  Friends are invited and we continue to have fun together and look forward to Fridays with excitement, not sorrow.

 

3.      Have regular Family Home Evenings, family prayer and family scripture study.  If your family has always done these things than this is the time to keep it up.  If your family has never done these things, than now is the time to get to work.  There is incredible power that comes not only from studying and learning the gospel as a family.  But, there is power in obedience and during any family change or challenge we need that power.  It is a power that brings peace.  A power that brings blessings.  A power that brings hope, when you may feel all hope it lost.  And, it’s a power of unity during a time of trying change.  It is the glue that unifies during a time when it would be easy to fall apart.

 

4.      Serve together!  I have always said that a formula for great day is to do something for myself, something for my family and something for someone else.  It works every time!!!  It does not have to be something big.  Talk about it in Family Home Evening and do something each week.  Perhaps, it is to get up early and shovel a neighbor’s driveway, to make cookies after school one day and deliver them to someone who has been sick.  If extended family is nearby, perhaps it is to plan a surprise visit to one of them.  Or, write letters to the full-time missionaries.  Holidays are a great time to be a secret Santa, Easter Bunny or deliver a Halloween treat.  My kids love to ding-dong-ditch the treats and they always make elaborate plans on who will run, carry the cookies and ring the bell.  Then, we hide and watch our gift be received.  Lift up the hands that hang down, and your’s will feel lighter as you do.

 

5.      Re-decorate a room.  Home is where the heart is, so we need to make it warm, bright and even a little bit of heaven.   Move the furniture around, hang a new picture, re-organize some cupboards and even clean along the way.  It is fun to rediscover long lost items under a bed or dresser, to clean, change and even brighten a room with a new coat of paint.  We did this and then we had a great lesson on how some change comes our way because of our own choices, like re-doing a room.  And, other times, change comes our way because of someone else’s choices.  Stephen R. Covey teaches us that we are not products of our circumstances, but products of our decisions.   We talked choosing to do hard things and smiling.  We talked about becoming better not bitter.  We enjoyed the newness of the room……and we realized that each day we could choose to be happy and the importance of good choices and how they lift and brighten the soul and all those around you, just like the new room.

 

The words to I Am A Child of God have never been more true than they are today.  I plead each morning and night for a loving Heavenly Father to lead me, to guide, and to walk beside me………and He always does.  I know that Heavenly Father loves his children.   Better yet, I know Heavenly Father loves me and my children.  I know that He will direct me as I put my faith in Him and “cheerfully do ALL things that lie in my power” to adjust and help my children adjust to change, challenge and even trial.  We all can do hard things------ it’s smiling while we do them that is difficult.  But, that smile shows our Heavenly Father that we trust His plan. That smile tells our families that things will be all right.  That smile gives courage to those around us to do the same. 

Families Change..........and so can we......for the better!!

 

My personal opinion on where medicine is headed. (An Editorial)

My practice has spanned 25 years as of August 1st.  That is a significant amount of time, almost half of my life, and it gives me some perspective on the problems we all face in health care. Here is a list of issues I believe are critical.

1.  Many Americans, maybe most, have relinquished to one degree or another their accountability to pay for their health care needs. It has been an insidious change and is a result of the insurance companies taking more and more of a role in determining where and what health care we should obtain. These insurance companies are not doing this to help us receive the best health care but to make money. That is why they are in business, to make money, not to provide health care.  So, as we have gone along over the years we default our decisions about tests to be run and treatments to be administered to what is covered.  The doctors, to a lesser degree, are guilty of the same. We have insurance and we get tests and treatments when we need them.  The problem is that often these tests and treatments are really not necessary.  There is so much waste and we cannot afford it anymore. The average family health premium will exceed 700.00$ per month and it will only get higher.  If the burden of paying for tests and treatments were to shift back primarily to the patient, significantly more thought and care would be used to make determinations and fewer and fewer unnecessary tests and treatments would be given.

2.  Contributing to the above problem is our societies general belief that if something bad happens somebody should pay.  In medicine that turns out to be the doctor or the hospital.  Therefore, many tests are run and some treatments administered to avoid any "misses", however unlikely they are to occur.  For example, 20 years ago when one went into the ER to evaluate abdominal pain, a careful history and exam were performed as well as a few simple blood tests. This history, exam and tests was usually sufficient to rule out an acute appendix, an ectopic pregnancy a kidney stone or an ovarian cyst.  Maybe less then one percent of the time a serious problem was missed and a delay in diagnosis occurred.  Now, a C.T. scan is routinely performed to rule out these problems at a cost of 7 or 8 hundred dollars simply for the test.  After all it is "covered" and expected and the doctor has no disincentive to order the test.  It is only getting worse and I'll say again "we cannot afford it"!

3.  So what is going to happen?  Each of is going to decide we cannot afford the premiums on our health insurance policies and we won't pay them.  The government is going to try to make us pay them either thru taxes or penalties or both but the simple truth is we don't have enough money.  As the system, "govt." goes bankrupt we will be left to our own devices on how to take care of ourselves which is how it should be anyway.  We will find a doctor who is trustworthy and capable, "not perfect" and consideration will be made carefully on what the problem is, what tests may be useful, what can we afford, and what if any treatment is needed.  Isn't it ludicrous that we have allowed the health insurance industry to take such a sizeable portion of our health care dollar (some estimates as high as 60%) to tell us who to see and what we should have or have not done.  I am looking forward to the changes coming that will happen whether we want them to or not.  SD

I'm in heaven on a pack trip!

This past week we traveled to the Bookcliffs just east of Green River.  It is called the roadless area of this small mountain range and is a secluded part of heaven.

I try and get in there 1 or 2 times per year and I am blessed to have gotten there this early this year.  We pack two mules and I ride a mule named Lucy.  She is a relative new animal to my cadre of horses and mules but she is special.  Really calm with good confidence and a brisk pace.  My favorite mule is a john named Cody. I have had him since he was one year old.  A good friend of mine named Diana Tibbets raised and sold mules and he was from her draft mare, (a Percheron).

One trip I was riding Cody on the Muddy River down near Hanksville. We got to a deep hole in the river and I decided to "swim him across".  Now I won't pretend I know how to swim a mule nor even if he knows how to swim but at the time I thought it was a good idea.  He and I sank like a ton of bricks.
If any of you are interested in pack, horse and mule stories, I have written a short book of those stories and I would love to send you a copy.

I am excited for our next pack trip which will be into the upper reaches of the Yellowstone River to a place called Hawks Rest.  It is 26 miles one way so most of our time will be spent riding which suites me just fine.  Have a nice day and happy trails.  SD

More Book Review

I have been blessed with a desire to read and it has brought me much joy.  I believe it has also added to a better outlook on life in general. Several books that I have read some time ago that have much to recommend are the following.

1) The Virginian by Owen Wister.  A true cowboy western that depicts the rough but "square" deal to be had in the old west if one is willing to work an honest day.

2) The Last of the Mohicans by James Fennimore Cooper.  This is a classic about the history of the indians in the great lakes region of our country and how time take a toll on all of us in one way or another.

3) Half Broke Horses by J. Walls.  This is a story set in the Arizona, New Mexico area around the turn of the 19th century.  It is about a tough woman who makes the best of her life and I believe is fulfilled.

4) I may have mentioned this already but also recommend the book "These Is My Words" a rough approximation of a diary by Sarah Prinn.  It is excellent!

                                                                    ENJOY!!