Families Change
Whether through death or
divorce, chronic illness or tragedy, college or the armed services, missions or
marriage, families change! And, when we find ourselves amidst such a change or
challenge, we ask ourselves, “now what?” You wonder how you will ever sleep at
night, look at the empty chair at the dinner table or celebrate the next
holiday season.
My husband and I had just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary with a weekend getaway. It was picturesque and so relaxing. We had 4 children ranging from 8 to 18 years
of age, each of them so amazingly talented, in their own way. I was working a couple of afternoons each
week as a lunch recess duty at our son’s elementary school. It was perfect. I had enough time during the day to take care
of the house, serve on the PTA and was anticipating serving as the PTA
president at the junior high the following year. I was done with diapers and was excited to
spend my days serving in our ward and in our children’s schools, to sort of pay
back all those wonderful women who had dedicated their time and days, when my children
were all babies at home. I was supposed
to meet my husband for lunch, that afternoon, as soon as I finished at the
elementary school. I returned to the
car, looked at my phone, to find a text from my husband. It read:
“I’m sorry. I went to the house
and took my things.”
My sweetheart had been
struggling and I had been aware of his challenges for a few years
prior. Well, that day, he gave
up, Satan won, and he was not only done trying but done being
part of our family as we knew it. He was
gone for good. I immediately knelt in
prayer and asked Heavenly Father for peace and direction for the coming hours,
weeks and even months. I felt as though
my handcart had just been loaded to its capacity, and I had been sent out to
join a company, without a map, only the Spirit and my faith as a guide. I also knew it would be hard and
long------but I KNEW we would make it!!
The
next day, I posted a laminated strip on the wall in our kitchen. It read:
Family Theme 2010, I CAN do hard things……..and SMILE! I introduced this theme that night during
family prayer. I told my children that
this was indeed a hard thing, but that our attitudes would dictate much of the
outcome. I reminded them of Pack
Meeting, baseball games, softball games and community plays that they were all
involved in. I reminded them of their
school work, and the importance of their personal prayers and scripture
study. Most of all, I reminded them that
this family change did not DEFINE them, but that it would REFINE them. I told them that this difficult challenge was
no excuse to give up or for failure and that we all had obligations awaiting
us, and to get to work! Joseph Smith,
during some very lonely and dark hours in the Liberty Jail said it best,
“Therefore, let us cheerfully do all things that lie within our power.” I found some things that really helped our
family during this difficult time of family change:
1.
We posted a motivational Quote of the Week. I introduce the new quote each week during
Family Home Evening and we talked about how we could become better throughout
the week, by keeping this thought in our minds and hearts. One particular quote we had up was from
President Monson. It read, “We face many
challenges in the world today, but I assure you that our Heavenly Father is
mindful of us. He loves each of us and
will bless us as we seek Him through prayer and strive to keep his
commandments.” April 2011 General Conference
2.
Start a new family tradition. That first Friday night,
that my husband was gone, the stillness frightened me. I began to feel the loneliness and I did not
want my kids to feel that deep pain I was feeling. Though, I knew it would come. So, I announced, “Hey kids, it Friday Family
Pizza Night---invite as many of your friends over to our house, I will supply the
$5 pizza and let’s have fun!” The house
went from quiet loneliness to a house full of laughing kids in about 30
minutes. We had a great time! We were together. Still, over a year later, everyone
anticipates Friday Family Pizza night.
Friends are invited and we continue to have fun together and look
forward to Fridays with excitement, not sorrow.
3.
Have regular Family Home Evenings, family prayer and family
scripture study. If your family has always done these things
than this is the time to keep it up. If
your family has never done these things, than now is the time to get to
work. There is incredible power that
comes not only from studying and learning the gospel as a family. But, there is power in obedience and during
any family change or challenge we need that power. It is a power that brings peace. A power that brings blessings. A power that brings hope, when you may feel
all hope it lost. And, it’s a power of
unity during a time of trying change. It
is the glue that unifies during a time when it would be easy to fall apart.
4.
Serve together! I have always said that a formula for great
day is to do something for myself, something for my family and something for
someone else. It works every
time!!! It does not have to be something
big. Talk about it in Family Home
Evening and do something each week.
Perhaps, it is to get up early and shovel a neighbor’s driveway, to make
cookies after school one day and deliver them to someone who has been
sick. If extended family is nearby,
perhaps it is to plan a surprise visit to one of them. Or, write letters to the full-time
missionaries. Holidays are a great time
to be a secret Santa, Easter Bunny or deliver a Halloween treat. My kids love to ding-dong-ditch the treats
and they always make elaborate plans on who will run, carry the cookies and
ring the bell. Then, we hide and watch
our gift be received. Lift up the hands
that hang down, and your’s will feel lighter as you do.
5. Re-decorate
a room. Home is where the heart is, so we need to
make it warm, bright and even a little bit of heaven. Move the furniture around, hang a new
picture, re-organize some cupboards and even clean along the way. It is fun to rediscover long lost items under
a bed or dresser, to clean, change and even brighten a room with a new coat of
paint. We did this and then we had a
great lesson on how some change comes our way because of our own choices, like
re-doing a room. And, other times,
change comes our way because of someone else’s choices. Stephen R. Covey teaches us that we are not
products of our circumstances, but products of our decisions. We talked choosing to do hard things and
smiling. We talked about becoming better
not bitter. We enjoyed the newness of
the room……and we realized that each day we could choose to be happy and the
importance of good choices and how they lift and brighten the soul and all
those around you, just like the new room.
The words to I Am A Child of God have never
been more true than they are today. I
plead each morning and night for a loving Heavenly Father to lead me, to guide,
and to walk beside me………and He always does.
I know that Heavenly Father loves his children. Better yet, I know Heavenly Father loves me
and my children. I know that He will
direct me as I put my faith in Him and “cheerfully do ALL things that lie in my
power” to adjust and help my children adjust to change, challenge and even
trial. We all can do hard things------
it’s smiling while we do them that is difficult. But, that smile shows our Heavenly Father
that we trust His plan. That smile tells our families that things will be all
right. That smile gives courage to those
around us to do the same.
Families Change..........and so can
we......for the better!!
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