This is a story I encouraged Tori
to write and share. I will relate it in
segments and make comments interjected as we go. So here is the beginning of Tori’s story
about prescription drug abuse.
When I found out that Dr. Dewey was
doing a blog to connect more with his patients I thought that this would be a
great opportunity for me to tell my story. I first saw Dr. Dewey around the age
of 17. I was having really bad periods. I always missed at least one to two
days of school because of my cramping. Dr. Dewey ran many tests on me which
came back fine. He recommended that I get a laparoscopy (scope) so that he
would be able to see things which could not be seen with the other tests.
It was discovered that I had stage three
endometriosis. Long story short, the years following the diagnosis, I had
multiple surgeries and many fertility treatments. During that time Dr. Dewey
never gave up on me. Before the age of thirty I was able to have three
beautiful kids. Because of the severity of my endometriosis, at age thirty, I
elected to have a full hysterectomy. Because of my many surgeries, recovery
always resulted in pain pills.
For years I balanced everything fine. But with
the stress of raising three kids and figuring out hormone therapy, I found
myself very stressed out and hormonal. My husband was very busy with two jobs
and a very demanding church calling which meant more time at home with the
kids. Taking the pills was great at first because it took away all my feeling
of stress, pain, sadness, and depression. About a year after my hysterectomy I
noticed I was having some joint pain, so I made an appointment with a
Rheumatologist. He told me the reason I was having joint pain was because my
body, without ovaries, no longer produced the necessary nutrients needed for
healthy bones. Even with hormone replacement I still had problems. He
recommended doing three Lortab 5s morning, noon, and night. Even though I knew
that ibuprofen would help 95% of the time, having a Dr. tell me I should take
that much just gave me another excuse to use pain pills.
It wasn’t long before I started abusing more
than pain pills. I also took Xanax, and Ambien. I soon found out that I could
get different drugs from different Drs.. I thought I could beat the system; which for a
few years I did. During this time many if not all of my relationships were
being affected. I felt like all I did was yell at my kids, and fight with my
husband. The smallest things would set me off. My friends and family (including
my husband) had no idea the amount of pills I took each day. At this point
there was no high; it was just about getting through the day. I had to take
pills to even get ready for the day. It got to the point that I had to keep
upping the amount I was taking to get the same effect.
(At this point I would like to
interrupt and make a few comments.) This
is not an uncommon story and many women and men face similar challenges. I see 2 or 3 patients every day who are
battleing this problem. Historically
speaking, our physical lives have become less challenging but our psycho/social
lives are becoming more and more stressful.
In communities where alcohol is more acceptable many combat these issues
using alcohol. Let me stress, Tori is a
very typical “Mormon” mom from a very “routine” Mormon family. She is somewhat
unique in that she accepted she had a problem fairly early in the course of
events. Being willing to accept one has a problem is the first key. That is
true of any of our negative character traits, we must be willing to see
ourselves for who we really are. That is very difficult and most people can’t
do it until tragedy strikes.
Now back to Tori’s story.
I had a friend that went to a pain
clinic where she was prescribed heavy narcotics such as oxycodone, soma (which is
a very strong muscle relaxer), and morphine. She knew that I took Xanax. She
mentioned that she would trade me pain pills for my Xanax. With Xanax not being
my drug of choice, getting more pain pills sounded like a good idea. And that
is when I went downhill fast. Making sure I always had enough pills was a full
time job. All I thought about was my pills. I knew that I was just a shell of
the person I once was. But I was trapped. Even if I wanted to get off of them,
I thought I was in too deep. Within three hours of taking a pill I would start
going through withdrawals.
My husband still did not know. I was such a
strong person that I was embarrassed that I wasn’t strong enough to overcome
this. At this point I wasn’t being careful about hiding the pills, or erasing
texts between my friend and me. Without a doubt a part of me was hoping and
wanting it all to stop. My five year old loves playing with my phone and takes
photos of everything. I’ll never forget the day I was going through some of the
photos on my phone and I came across a few photos of me sitting on my bed. I
looked totally out of it. I looked like I had aged about ten years. I thought
who the hell is that? I could not believe what the drug use had also done to my
outer appearance.
About a week after this experience I got what
I thought was a random phone call from Dr. Dewey. He said he had not heard from
me in a while and wanted to know how I was doing. It was only later I found out
my husband had been talking to him. It didn’t seem too strange since I have
known him for so many years so I called and made an appointment for the
following day. I was ready to tell him I was doing great and he had nothing to
worry about. With him knowing all the hardships I had been through with the
endometriosis and infertility he had always been so proud of the way I handled
it, I did not want him to be disappointed in me.
(I’ll interject here) Tori’s
husband was anxious to solve this problem. I had also heard from her father
about the same issues. All wanted this
to come to a head and fixed “now”. As my
life has not been without challenges I have come to believe that things like
this cannot be forced. No one was going
to push Tori to change. What I believe
she needed was a listening ear and a friend.
No judgements or condemnation.
This is such a critical aspect of dealing with someone who is in an
addictive situation. I cannot stress
enough the importance of staying objective, or finding someone who can stay objective,
and just listening and understanding.
Patience is imperative! Allowing
these things to unfold at the individuals pace can be hard and sometimes
dangerous as damage can occur but it is necessary to let the person process and
come to understand they need help. That
is where the real strength is shown.
Tori stated she was a strong person and felt she could do this herself
but it takes more strength to allow someone in as an ally for healing.
When he came in the room that day I knew that something was up. He asked how I was doing and about my day but soon told me the truth about why he requested I come in. Dr. Dewey told me about patients he had that had gotten habituated to pain medication and he had been concerned about my use of the meds he had been prescribing. He didn’t accuse me of anything but instead asked me if I thought I might have a problem. My heart fell to my toes. He said it was brought to his attention by my husband that I was getting other prescription drugs from other sources. This was shocking because I thought my husband had no idea. Being carless and not hiding the pills, my husband had found my stash. He had known for about a month and had not said a word. He had kept track of how many pills I had taken each day. He had researched all of the different kind of pills I had. At first I denied there was a problem and felt I had to keep this secret. The doctor accepted my“story” and kept reassuring me his only purpose for having me come in was to find out how I was really doing. He shared other stories about how people have gotten confused about pain from disease and pain form addiction. He was worried I might be heading down a bad path. He stated several times that if I did find myself in a bad situation I could always call on him. At no time did I feel judged our threatened.
(I will make an important point) It is critical that a person who realized they have an addiction problem have someone they can trust and that they feel is totally on their side. Someone they can completely trust. We can never force an addict to heal. Patient concern, yes even love, is the crucial component to help someone feel they can change. I needed to wait until Tori was ready to admit she had a problem and asked for my help. It was insightful and loving of her husband to not confront Tori.
My husband knew if he was the one to approach me it probably would not go over too well. Desperate for help he contacted Dr. Dewey. My husband knowing how much respect I had for him he knew he would be a good person to turn to. Dr. Dewey told him not to say anything to me, asking that he be the one to talk to me first. Not once during the talk with Dewey did I feel judged. Dr. Dewey wanted to do everything he could to help me with my addiction. But he said the desire of wanting to stop had to come from me. Knowing my husband knew about everything was a huge burden lifted as crazy as that sounds. Instead of my husband being hateful & bitter he was understanding and loving. Which if the tables were turned I don’t know if I could be that same way.
The day I saw Dr. Dewey was a Friday. I had taken pills that morning about 9am. My appointment was at 11am. So by the time I got home I was already feeling sick. On my way home I had so many emotions going through me. I was scared to death to go through detox but I was done taking pills. I knew as soon as I got home I had to flush all the pills I had, because I knew when it got bad and when I got super sick I needed to have no options but go through the detox. I also contacted my friend that day and told her the gig was up. She was cold to me, but I knew that it was a necessary step.
What I experienced for the next seven days was something that is hard to express in words. By that evening I felt completely weak and very nauseated. By the time it had been 24 hours I just wanted to die. Looking back it was a good thing that I got rid of all my pills, because without a doubt being as sick as I was, I would have taken anything to not feel the way I felt. Although my husband felt like I needed to be in rehab, I knew in my heart that I could do it myself; which was a lot harder than I expected. I can’t tell you the countless prayers that I said during that week. And I know at times that prayer was the only reason I was able to continue.
Dr. Dewey has been a listening ear for me and I see him every couple weeks to check in. The reason for sharing my story is because I want women that are going through my same struggles to know that it is possible to take back control of your life. Never give up hope! The 4-7 days of hell that you’ll go through doesn’t compare to how good you’ll fell knowing you’ve got your life back. It will always be something that I struggle with. It’s been just over two months now, so it’s something I think about every day. I’m no longer in a fog. I can think clearly. I’ve lost weight – about twenty pounds! My relationships will take some time to mend completely, and I’m far from perfect, but I’m grateful I’m where I am at today.
This may sound silly, which people without addiction might not understand, but I still have refills on some of the pain pills. I have chosen to leave it that way because it empowers me to know that I that they are within an arm’s reach but I chose every day for myself that I don’t want them in my life. Choosing to stop on my own is so much better than someone else choosing for me. – Tori, age 34
I believe Tori will make it! She is unusual in that she came to a self-realization early and was able to sop “cold turkey”. We often will taper someone and use other meds to damper the effect so the withdrawal but her method worked for her.
She emphasized an important point I alluded to earlier; most people can’t be forced to change their behavior. The change has to come from inside. Locking someone away from the problem only solves the problem temporarily and superficially. Tori felt empowered to change her life and having a prescription around added to that source of empowerment, but I wouldn’t recommend it for most. Stay as far away from it as possible, it’s not a good idea for an alcoholic to spend a lot of time in a bar.
Is Tori at risk to start using again? I believe she is and I’ve talked to her carefully about his. The physical and psychological aspects of her life have not completely changed. She will still have a high level of risk because of these needs to justify, and return to her drug use. Her awareness of this will help.
How do all of you see this? Any comments or questions?
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