Alice - Where do I fit in?

Alice: Hey, I have a somewhat personal question for you. Well, it’s personal for me, not you. How do you feel about that on Facebook? I’m not planning on coming for a doctor’s appointment until February and am curious about your thoughts about his particular subject.

Dr. Dewey: I am happy to entertain personal questions in this venue, as I believe it is private. Shoot!

Alice: I figured as much, but wanted to check first. I’m thinking about having an intimate piercing. Have you have experience with them? I think it will be beneficial for me, but am wondering if you think it will cause me problems down the road. Keep in mind I’m only 31…I need my parts happy for a long time.

Dr. Dewey: From a physiological basis there would be no benefit. It would not add anatomic benefit to achieve orgasms. It may, however, psychologically add much. Our sexual function is in a large way tied to the psyche. I don’t think it would be harmful to your anatomy if done sterile and professional.  I wonder how it will affect your view on the world and of yourself. I have personally been opposed to body piercing except the traditional ear lobe.

Alice: I’m having a difficult time determining where I fit in the world. There’s this whole lifestyle that is so appealing to me and yet so different from how I have been taught to be. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something big. I want to jump in with both feet, but I’m not sure I’d ever come up for air. I’m frustrated with how I function during sex. I get turned on, but usually have to turn to masturbating to orgasm. I’m sure it’s the typical “mom “syndrome where I’m so chaotic all day that by the end it’s difficult to view myself or my husband sexually. I want to have him enjoy our sex life very much. And I want to as well. I just feel drawn by the attraction I feel towards that “thrill of the chase”. I keep thinking if I do this or that, it will help. I’m just frustrated!! Both sexually and mentally. I think you are right that it’s psychological. So do I change my psyche? How? How do I change?

Dr. Dewey: Alice, you ask the question of the ages. Some of us, or maybe all of us, at one time or another find ourselves dissatisfied. It might be anything from our sexuality to our role as parents to our professional career. You are standing on the edge! I believe you need to examine carefully where you want to jump, but that you do need to jump. Our religion and culture do play a significant role and are primarily there to protect us from “jumping” in the wrong direction, but our religion and culture don’t necessarily tell us not to jump. I will suggest you channel these feeling towards exciting and new dimensions in your life. It seems to me and from my own experience it is an opportunity for learning and growth. It often ends up causing some pain and anguish and that can facilitate knowledge and understanding, compassion and empathy, tolerance and forgiveness. I would like to think about his for a while. Really ponder these issues as I know many feel the same. I certainly know I don’t have all the answers, but maybe some.

 

Dr. Dewey: I have started thinking and pondering. Here is a quote that keeps coming into my head, “most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them”. Maybe we can learn much from those that have felt much and written much. That was a quote from Thorou, Henry David.

Alice: Thank you for your response. It doesn’t really help me know what to do though…me and my wild streak.

What do you mean by this statement? “I believe you need to examine carefully where you want to jump but that you do need to jump.” I agree that I need to channel these feelings, and I’m trying to do so in a way that isn’t going to damage me…too bad. I think you are totally right that through some pain and anguish we can learn and grow. I’m fine with my own pain…to a certain extent, but I’m trying to keep in mind that I have a husband, children and extended family that will be hurt if I act too rashly. Let me give you a little idea of what I’m talking about. We are considering opening our marriage a little. I think that Kevin has been thinking about it for a while. It’s fun and exciting. He and I are of the same mind that it is so intriguing and sexually stimulating, but we are wary that it might ruin us both. We’ve talked a lot about what we want and need. I’m having a hard time separating the two things. Do I really need to have attention from other men to feel good and sexy about myself…or do I just want it? He and I have always had a bit more loose lifestyle, but do I dare take it to the next level? I feel like I am becoming a shallow existence of the person I once was. I love being social and making people laugh. Now I find myself alone nearly every day tending to children and the duties of a stay at home mom. This isn’t a bad thing, necessarily, but I feel like I am being lost in it. It is very difficult for me to get turned on at the end of a hectic day. I know this is the case for a lot of mothers, and busy women. I am not one of those women that turn my husband away, and we have a quite active sex life. I’m trying to find a happy medium where I am happy with who I am, and I feel sexually satisfied.

Dr. Dewey: I am still thinking about where I would suggest you jump. Not an easy answer. As I think about your considering an “open marriage” it would be exciting but I believe very strongly casual sex is empty and leaves one feeling used and alone. The emotional connection needed to make physical intimacy meaningful would tend to lead to feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. It would hurt some or all at some point in time.

Alice: My husband is of the mind that a lot of things are okay as long as they are casual. He doesn’t want me to get emotionally involved with someone else. We’ve spent a lot of time discussing this…but still aren’t sure where we stand. Last night we were thinking we would bag the whole thing. Today…I was face-timing with a guy I met through a couples dating site. Obviously, we flop easily. We are going very slow. We don’t want to get caught up in the lust of it and do something rash.

Dr. Dewey: Alice, I have been thinking about your situation a great deal. You seem to feel there is more out there, that life is passing you by and there should be more meaning to your existence. You are bored with the way things are in many aspects and want a change.

In any event, looking for more in life is a common issue and I think a good thing. It is just important where you expect to find it. As exciting as it might sound, casual sex in a meaningless relationship, is not going to do it. It will do just the opposite and leave you empty and feeling used. You for sure need to find something “meaningful”.

Here is part of a poem I found, “A critical point of this life, it surely seems to me, is to create and not destroy, it is without question a key. Whether it be a building, a painting, or a piece of pottery; these temporal things can add immensely to who we are, and who we come to be. As I sit here and ponder this idea of creation, (a garden of peas, an orchard of trees, the fresh mown grass as it blows in the breeze), all add to the joy that builds within our being, and yes it’s true that it does seem to please.”

Exponentially greater then these examples I’ve shared, is the meaning that comes forth when two people are paired. Two souls in the cosmos as we travel along can sometimes come together from the midst of the throng…

What this is suggesting is creation is the key. It may be temporal things that you do that will lead you to peace. These are certainly safer then creating new human relationships, but I believe it is also true that it is the human relationships that bring the most meaning. When two people build a deep emotional connection it is “creating” but in the wrong circumstance or when it is based on superficial selfishness it will be destroying.

I am interested in how you feel about the current dissatisfaction in your life and what it will take to satisfy. Do you know yet? I sense it has to do with creating and needs to have substance. What are you thinking regarding this? Maybe you should build a library?

Alice: I feel like a very unsuccessful person right about now. I should be totally satisfied. I have everything anyone could ever want in life. Right? I’ve been thinking about the creating thing. I just don’t know what I would create. What do you mean build a library?

Dr. Dewey: Building a library was sort of a joke, but would satisfy a desire to create temporally (the building) and intellectually (the books or the intellect contained within the books). You are creating now, look at the children you are continuing to shape and mold, look at your body that you are continuing to improve.

My suggestion is you continue in those wonderful and fulfilling endeavors and then add a serious intellectual pursuit. Get a degree in English literature, become an RN, study religions of the Far East. Start an in depth study of Mormonism and its history.

Set a goal to become a president of a clothing company or an on line gourmet food store.

What interests you? Getting to know another man would be exciting and fulfilling only if you could really get connected mentally but that would lead to frustration because of the other issues such as time restraints, money, sex, kids, etc. Life is so interesting and exciting and challenging and there for the taking. All we need to do is reach out, put forth the effort and gather it in. Easier said than done. Most of us have had our share of relationship challenges and know firsthand all of the frustrations that come from unfulfilled emotions and jealousy and time constraints, etc… I know for me  patience has been a huge source of peace and now for me, peace is a far more preferred emotion then happiness. The more patient I am, the more peace I have found in my life.

Alice: I think that I have been very self-absorbed. Unfortunately all the worrying about me has just added more chaos and turmoil to my household. The main job I have in life right now is to be a wife and mother…neither of which am I doing very well currently. I feel like things have spiraled out of control .I thought that other relationships, especially sexually charged ones, would make me feel good about me. I was wrong. Years ago when I was a younger mother I started reading about an organizational guru name Marla Ciley. She is better known as the Flylady. She is all about routines. While I found the majority of what she says to be cheesy and ridiculous, I liked the routines. It made me feel in control, and successful. Running also does this for me, it has made me learn to control my body. I feel like I’m losing the life that I have worked years to set up. I’m ashamed. I eat more. I sleep less, and the anxiety is getting bigger. I think that you are right. I need to find something else to help me feel fulfilled. I’ve always valued the relationships I have with my friends, but am often disappointed when I “love” them more than they “love” me. I realize that sounds quite melodramatic, but no one wants to be in a relationship where they are always the pursuer. I have quite a few friends that confide in me and want me to help them through issues they have. But then when the roles are reversed, I feel like I don’t have a lot of confidants in return. This week I’m focusing on getting my family organized and having our home flow better. I think that’s a good start for me. I started my focused training for my first marathon in May. After I feel like I’m not running in circles trying to clear the haze I’ve created in my mind, I’m going to find something to do that’s just for me. There isn’t a lot that doesn’t interest me…so it should be easy to find a serious intellectual pursuit. I hope I can learn to be more patient and find peace that way.

Dr. Dewey: I agree with what you are saying about some routine and our understanding what our primary responsibilities are at any given time in our lives. Yours is to be a wife and mother first.  Mine is to be a husband, father, grandfather, provider and to improve those relationships. Another major “job” for me right now is to come to know God more intimately. That sounds corny but it is how I feel. I am not always doing all the church asks of me but I am accepting my weakness and transgressions and honest feelings and still seeking that closeness to Heavenly Father I feel is there.

Balance is elusive and personal fulfillment should include a healthy physical self and all the running and working out that entails. It is also about intellectual improvement and spiritual improvement. My relationships with others are for the most part fulfilling, but I often want to be closer.