Jill's Story

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Jill’s Story

Heart pounding, escalating rage to the point of explosion, fury to the point of becoming physically harmful. These are just a few of the emotions that I have experienced. I am a mother of four beautiful children, but there were times when my anger reached its boiling point and I felt that I could inflict serious harm. For a few months my outbursts were getting consistently worse and worse. I knew it and I know my family feared it.

When my anger would come to its boiling point, my heart rate would increase and if I could reach my children I would even hit them if they yelling didn't satisfy my rage. Not only did I emotionally experience my anger, I felt it. It coursed through my body and I felt it took control of me. I knew what I was feeling inside was real, raw emotion and frankly - it scared me. It scared me because my explosions were not your normal 'chew your kids out for not brushing their teeth.' The anger was rooted much deeper and took control of my thoughts, my physical reactions and the words that came out of my mouth.

When mornings came, I was at my worst. The stress of getting my children ready and off to school was too much at times. My husband would already be at work and didn't witness my outpouring of anger. He would never have tolerated my behavior and some days I think this stoked the fire because I knew I could get away with what I was doing.

I was emotionally abusing my children and I knew it needed to come to an end. I felt like my life, my attitude, my outlook, my control was no longer mine. At this point in my life, sorry wouldn't cut the damage I had created. I started to shut myself in my room and became despondent towards my family. Hurting them was taking a toll on me and I felt staying in my room wouldn't allow me to be a source of negative energy in our home.

Acting out was something I had experienced as a child and knew the devastation it could cause. I witnessed my parents fight with each other more than experiencing their anger towards me, but the consequences of the bitterness still weighs heavily on me. Because of this knowledge I often would ask myself, "What is wrong with me? Why am I hurting those that I love?" I knew what I was doing wasn't okay and I knew deep in my heart that I was scaring my children. My tone, words and actions were hurting them and I could see it in their eyes. I was going against everything that I wanted to be. It wasn't getting any better and I felt that I just needed help.

I decided that I needed to come clean with my husband. I was so frightened to tell my husband. My husband is extremely calm and easy going. He is the peacemaker in our home. Swearing, hitting and yelling are out of the question for him. He is actually so calm that it sometimes makes me angry! But this is one of the things that I admire and love most about him. I really strive to be more like him, but I sincerely feel that it is not in my make-up. We are wired completely differently.

When I approached him, he knew I had been stressed the past little while but he didn't know how bad it had gotten. I broke down and told him how I have been treating the kids. I have never been afraid to talk to my husband, but for some reason I was afraid of his reactions. For him, it was a simple fix. To him, he claims it is easy; you just stop and don't do it again. As I was talking I could tell he didn't get it. I told him how I thought the anger and the frustration controlled me. I expressed how much I have hurt the children and something needed to change. I then told him I was going to see

Dr. Dewey and try and get on some meds to help even out my emotions. He responded, "I don't know what to do." I was so upset by his answer. I wanted help! Not blank stares. In this instance I walked out of the room and went to each of my child's bedroom, broke down and apologized to each of them individually for my behavior. Three out of the four children cried with me and told me it's okay. I could see in their eyes how much I had hurt them. I then told them, "No, it's not okay for me to act that way." I asked for forgiveness and patience. I told them I was going to work on it and go see the doctor.  

 I felt like I didn't have time to see a therapist so I decided to go ask Dr. Dewey for some Prozac. I thought if I could just take the pill and get through the next five months, then summer would be here and I could seek anger management help.  

The next day I made an appointment with Dr. Dewey. When I checked in at the office, they ask how I was doing and what I was seeing Dr. Dewey about. My exact thoughts were, "I'm a crazy lady taking out everything on my kids and need some meds to control me." I was hoping it would be easy and a fast fix.  After expressing myself to Dr. Dewey, I felt better, but I felt embarrassed and stupid for acting the way I did and now telling my doctor about my problems.  Did I get the Prozac? No!

 

Dr.Dewey’s Input

            I spent some time talking about the pros and cons of Prozac, anti-depressants and asked some pointed questions about the sign and symptoms of depression.   Susan was not depressed. So many people are dealing with frustration, anger, and anxiety and are being treated wrongly with anti-depressants.

            The underlying question then becomes where does this anger, frustration and emotion come from. Is it hormones? Is it finances? Is it loss of love in home from spouse or children? Is it being too busy – too much stress?

            I believe all of these play a role and the solution isn’t easy. Finding peace through self-reflection, service, exercise, spiritual investment, and education are all helpful. Writing in a journal is helpful. Sometimes medication is useful.

            This can be a dangerous time for the individual and the relationships as sometimes one might start looking for a remedy in the wrong place. Alcohol, sedatives, narcotics, marital affairs, and gambling are all potential false answers one might choose to try and find peace.

            This is life and what it is really all about. A great opportunity to grow, learn and find joy and peace despite the risks of sadness and hardship. What a blessing to be alive. Jill is doing well and focusing her energies in positive ways to find the peace that comes from investing oneself in being a whole and complete person. She has allowed herself to have serious imperfections (as we all do). She’s giving herself some space.

 

TETON'S-----A Pack to Remember

I have recently returned from a wonderful pack trip to the Teton's in Wyoming.  We were with some of my great friends, Doug Johnson, Lewis Bankhead and my son who is also a great friend Dylan.  It was fabulous but a tragedy had occurred since we returned.  Lewis died suddenly and unexpectedly from natural causes.  An autopsy will shed light on this horror.  It has been one of my greatest challenges.  We have taken some of the photos from the trip and I have written a poem of sorts to honor Lewis.  I'll post them here.  Hope you can feel some of the power of this great man.  SD

More to the Story

Last week we posted a story of a woman who lost her husband.  I commented that she wasn't our patient but I was wrong.  It turns out she has been seeing me for about 15 years.  There's much more to the story that I think is pertinent to this families challenge.

About 7 years ago this wife and mother came in for a check up and somewhat matter of factly stated she needed to be tested for aids.  I was a little suprised as she isn't of the background that it would be usual for her to worry about this disease.  As I asked her a few more pertinent questions I became more and more impressed with her character.

Her husband was found to have aids and upon that revelation soon came the details of his homosexual and gay lifestyle.  He had continued to have intimate relations with our patient and had exposed her several times to the virus.  She had worked through most of the hurt, anger, frustration, depression and had decided to forgive him and try to keep the family together.This was based on his assurance of his desire to do likewise and forsake his gay life style.  

I was and am amazed at this woman's courage and humility. She continued to have intimate relations with this man, using condom protection, as she felt if she was going to have a marriage it would be as normal as she could make it.

As you know from the original post about her loss it didn't work.  He couldn't stay faithful to her and continued to have gay relationships. Thus her writing to us and her "moving forward".  This is a powerful example to me of long suffering and trying to endure to the end.  She is a superstar!!

Families Change (Patient Story)

We have another new Patient Story! We love getting these stories and enjoy sharing them with you. Please let us know your feedback. Enjoy this story, we sure did...!

Families Change

Whether through death or divorce, chronic illness or tragedy, college or the armed services, missions or marriage, families change! And, when we find ourselves amidst such a change or challenge, we ask ourselves, “now what?” You wonder how you will ever sleep at night, look at the empty chair at the dinner table or celebrate the next holiday season.

My story

 

My husband and I had just celebrated our 20^th wedding anniversary with a weekend getaway.   It was picturesque and so relaxing.  We had 4 children ranging from 8 to 18 years of age, each of them so amazingly talented, in their own way.  I was working a couple of afternoons each week as a lunch recess duty at our son’s elementary school.  It was perfect.  I had enough time during the day to take care of the house, serve on the PTA and was anticipating serving as the PTA president at the junior high the following year.  I was done with diapers and was excited to spend my days serving in our ward and in our children’s schools, to sort of pay back all those wonderful women who had dedicated their time and days, when my children were all babies at home.  I was supposed to meet my husband for lunch, that afternoon, as soon as I finished at the elementary school.  I returned to the car, looked at my phone, to find a text from my husband.  It read:  “I’m sorry.  I went to the house and took my things.”

            My sweetheart had been struggling and I had been aware of his challenges for a few years prior.  Well, that day, he gave up, Satan won, and he was not only done trying but done being part of our family as we knew it.  He was gone for good.  I immediately knelt in prayer and asked Heavenly Father for peace and direction for the coming hours, weeks and even months.  I felt as though my handcart had just been loaded to its capacity, and I had been sent out to join a company, without a map, only the Spirit and my faith as a guide.  I also knew it would be hard and long------but I KNEW we would make it!!

            The next day, I posted a laminated strip on the wall in our kitchen.  It read:  Family Theme 2010, I CAN do hard things……..and SMILE!  I introduced this theme that night during family prayer.  I told my children that this was indeed a hard thing, but that our attitudes would dictate much of the outcome.  I reminded them of Pack Meeting, baseball games, softball games and community plays that they were all involved in.  I reminded them of their school work, and the importance of their personal prayers and scripture study.  Most of all, I reminded them that this family change did not DEFINE them, but that it would REFINE them.  I told them that this difficult challenge was no excuse to give up or for failure and that we all had obligations awaiting us, and to get to work!  Joseph Smith, during some very lonely and dark hours in the Liberty Jail said it best, “Therefore, let us cheerfully do all things that lie within our power.”  I found some things that really helped our family during this difficult time of family change:

 

1.        We posted a motivational Quote of the Week.  I introduce the new quote each week during Family Home Evening and we talked about how we could become better throughout the week, by keeping this thought in our minds and hearts.  One particular quote we had up was from President Monson.  It read, “We face many challenges in the world today, but I assure you that our Heavenly Father is mindful of us.  He loves each of us and will bless us as we seek Him through prayer and strive to keep his commandments.”   April 2011 General Conference

 

2.      Start a new family tradition.  That first Friday night, that my husband was gone, the stillness frightened me.  I began to feel the loneliness and I did not want my kids to feel that deep pain I was feeling.  Though, I knew it would come.  So, I announced, “Hey kids, it Friday Family Pizza Night---invite as many of your friends over to our house, I will supply the $5 pizza and let’s have fun!”  The house went from quiet loneliness to a house full of laughing kids in about 30 minutes.  We had a great time!  We were together.   Still, over a year later, everyone anticipates Friday Family Pizza night.  Friends are invited and we continue to have fun together and look forward to Fridays with excitement, not sorrow.

 

3.      Have regular Family Home Evenings, family prayer and family scripture study.  If your family has always done these things than this is the time to keep it up.  If your family has never done these things, than now is the time to get to work.  There is incredible power that comes not only from studying and learning the gospel as a family.  But, there is power in obedience and during any family change or challenge we need that power.  It is a power that brings peace.  A power that brings blessings.  A power that brings hope, when you may feel all hope it lost.  And, it’s a power of unity during a time of trying change.  It is the glue that unifies during a time when it would be easy to fall apart.

 

4.      Serve together!  I have always said that a formula for great day is to do something for myself, something for my family and something for someone else.  It works every time!!!  It does not have to be something big.  Talk about it in Family Home Evening and do something each week.  Perhaps, it is to get up early and shovel a neighbor’s driveway, to make cookies after school one day and deliver them to someone who has been sick.  If extended family is nearby, perhaps it is to plan a surprise visit to one of them.  Or, write letters to the full-time missionaries.  Holidays are a great time to be a secret Santa, Easter Bunny or deliver a Halloween treat.  My kids love to ding-dong-ditch the treats and they always make elaborate plans on who will run, carry the cookies and ring the bell.  Then, we hide and watch our gift be received.  Lift up the hands that hang down, and your’s will feel lighter as you do.

 

5.      Re-decorate a room.  Home is where the heart is, so we need to make it warm, bright and even a little bit of heaven.   Move the furniture around, hang a new picture, re-organize some cupboards and even clean along the way.  It is fun to rediscover long lost items under a bed or dresser, to clean, change and even brighten a room with a new coat of paint.  We did this and then we had a great lesson on how some change comes our way because of our own choices, like re-doing a room.  And, other times, change comes our way because of someone else’s choices.  Stephen R. Covey teaches us that we are not products of our circumstances, but products of our decisions.   We talked choosing to do hard things and smiling.  We talked about becoming better not bitter.  We enjoyed the newness of the room……and we realized that each day we could choose to be happy and the importance of good choices and how they lift and brighten the soul and all those around you, just like the new room.

 

The words to I Am A Child of God have never been more true than they are today.  I plead each morning and night for a loving Heavenly Father to lead me, to guide, and to walk beside me………and He always does.  I know that Heavenly Father loves his children.   Better yet, I know Heavenly Father loves me and my children.  I know that He will direct me as I put my faith in Him and “cheerfully do ALL things that lie in my power” to adjust and help my children adjust to change, challenge and even trial.  We all can do hard things------ it’s smiling while we do them that is difficult.  But, that smile shows our Heavenly Father that we trust His plan. That smile tells our families that things will be all right.  That smile gives courage to those around us to do the same. 

Families Change..........and so can we......for the better!!

 

My personal opinion on where medicine is headed. (An Editorial)

My practice has spanned 25 years as of August 1st.  That is a significant amount of time, almost half of my life, and it gives me some perspective on the problems we all face in health care. Here is a list of issues I believe are critical.

1.  Many Americans, maybe most, have relinquished to one degree or another their accountability to pay for their health care needs. It has been an insidious change and is a result of the insurance companies taking more and more of a role in determining where and what health care we should obtain. These insurance companies are not doing this to help us receive the best health care but to make money. That is why they are in business, to make money, not to provide health care.  So, as we have gone along over the years we default our decisions about tests to be run and treatments to be administered to what is covered.  The doctors, to a lesser degree, are guilty of the same. We have insurance and we get tests and treatments when we need them.  The problem is that often these tests and treatments are really not necessary.  There is so much waste and we cannot afford it anymore. The average family health premium will exceed 700.00$ per month and it will only get higher.  If the burden of paying for tests and treatments were to shift back primarily to the patient, significantly more thought and care would be used to make determinations and fewer and fewer unnecessary tests and treatments would be given.

2.  Contributing to the above problem is our societies general belief that if something bad happens somebody should pay.  In medicine that turns out to be the doctor or the hospital.  Therefore, many tests are run and some treatments administered to avoid any "misses", however unlikely they are to occur.  For example, 20 years ago when one went into the ER to evaluate abdominal pain, a careful history and exam were performed as well as a few simple blood tests. This history, exam and tests was usually sufficient to rule out an acute appendix, an ectopic pregnancy a kidney stone or an ovarian cyst.  Maybe less then one percent of the time a serious problem was missed and a delay in diagnosis occurred.  Now, a C.T. scan is routinely performed to rule out these problems at a cost of 7 or 8 hundred dollars simply for the test.  After all it is "covered" and expected and the doctor has no disincentive to order the test.  It is only getting worse and I'll say again "we cannot afford it"!

3.  So what is going to happen?  Each of is going to decide we cannot afford the premiums on our health insurance policies and we won't pay them.  The government is going to try to make us pay them either thru taxes or penalties or both but the simple truth is we don't have enough money.  As the system, "govt." goes bankrupt we will be left to our own devices on how to take care of ourselves which is how it should be anyway.  We will find a doctor who is trustworthy and capable, "not perfect" and consideration will be made carefully on what the problem is, what tests may be useful, what can we afford, and what if any treatment is needed.  Isn't it ludicrous that we have allowed the health insurance industry to take such a sizeable portion of our health care dollar (some estimates as high as 60%) to tell us who to see and what we should have or have not done.  I am looking forward to the changes coming that will happen whether we want them to or not.  SD

I'm in heaven on a pack trip!

This past week we traveled to the Bookcliffs just east of Green River.  It is called the roadless area of this small mountain range and is a secluded part of heaven.

I try and get in there 1 or 2 times per year and I am blessed to have gotten there this early this year.  We pack two mules and I ride a mule named Lucy.  She is a relative new animal to my cadre of horses and mules but she is special.  Really calm with good confidence and a brisk pace.  My favorite mule is a john named Cody. I have had him since he was one year old.  A good friend of mine named Diana Tibbets raised and sold mules and he was from her draft mare, (a Percheron).

One trip I was riding Cody on the Muddy River down near Hanksville. We got to a deep hole in the river and I decided to "swim him across".  Now I won't pretend I know how to swim a mule nor even if he knows how to swim but at the time I thought it was a good idea.  He and I sank like a ton of bricks.
If any of you are interested in pack, horse and mule stories, I have written a short book of those stories and I would love to send you a copy.

I am excited for our next pack trip which will be into the upper reaches of the Yellowstone River to a place called Hawks Rest.  It is 26 miles one way so most of our time will be spent riding which suites me just fine.  Have a nice day and happy trails.  SD

More Book Review

I have been blessed with a desire to read and it has brought me much joy.  I believe it has also added to a better outlook on life in general. Several books that I have read some time ago that have much to recommend are the following.

1) The Virginian by Owen Wister.  A true cowboy western that depicts the rough but "square" deal to be had in the old west if one is willing to work an honest day.

2) The Last of the Mohicans by James Fennimore Cooper.  This is a classic about the history of the indians in the great lakes region of our country and how time take a toll on all of us in one way or another.

3) Half Broke Horses by J. Walls.  This is a story set in the Arizona, New Mexico area around the turn of the 19th century.  It is about a tough woman who makes the best of her life and I believe is fulfilled.

4) I may have mentioned this already but also recommend the book "These Is My Words" a rough approximation of a diary by Sarah Prinn.  It is excellent!

                                                                    ENJOY!!

More books.

I have finished two books since I last made an entry.  They were both excellent!  The first was a book in the Jack Reacher series by Lee Childs.  Tom Cruise starred in a recent movie called Jack Reacher.  My wife and I saw it sort of by accident as the movie we wanted to see had already left the theatre.  It was excellent and we both enjoyed it.  It is a type of detective thriller. So, I was looking in Smith's for a new book to read. Just wanted a fictional novel for the pure enjoyment of relaxing while reading and I saw this series by Lee Childs.  There are 5 or 6 books about this fictional character named Jack Reacher who is an ex Army police detective.  They are very well written and exciting with a reasonable plot.  The book I just finished was called Echo Burning.  

The second book I would highly recommend is titled "These is My Words" by Nancy Turner.  It is the fictionalized diary of a western woman who helped settle the Arizona Territories in the 1880's and 1890's.  Marvelous and entertaining as well as educational.  You will learn to love Sara Prine who is the main character in the book.

Book Club

I hope the book club will interest some of you.  Let's write a summary of the book and why we liked the book.  Here are three I'd like to start with.

1) A Thousands Splendid Suns.  Hosseini.  This is the second book by this Afghanistan author, the first called The Kite Runner.  The Splendid Suns book is the story of several women living and surviving in Afghanistan during the height of the Taliban. The brutal conditions and suffering these women have to bear causes one to wonder about the cruelty of man and makes even more poignant the kindness and love we can show each other.  The heroine in the book (in my estimation) becomes a Christ figure.  One of my top ten books of all time.

2) The Bean Tree. Kingslover.  A story about a young woman setting out on her own to find out about the world and about herself.  The vernacular and colloquial writing style is pleasant and adds so much enjoyment.  It is also a great story.

3) The Education of Little Tree. Carter. A series of true stories written by the man who experienced them.  It is heartwarming and genuine with the visual imagery of the hill people and the simple but insightful wisdom that comes from living a good but hard life.  Again, the vernacular of these people is so pleasing to read and the stories are not only humorous but will bring tears to your eyes from the heart.

Our Facebook/Blog Contest Winner!

Congratulations to our contest winner Sherri! We will be starting our new contest in May 2013. Updates Coming Soon!

Where do I fit in? Part 2

Dr. Dewey: I have started thinking and pondering. Here is a quote that keeps coming into my head, “most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them”. Maybe we can learn much from those that have felt much and written much. That was a quote from Thorou, Henry David.

Alice: Thank you for your response. It doesn’t really help me know what to do though…me and my wild streak.

What do you mean by this statement? “I believe you need to examine carefully where you want to jump but that you do need to jump.” I agree that I need to channel these feelings, and I’m trying to do so in a way that isn’t going to damage me…too bad. I think you are totally right that through some pain and anguish we can learn and grow. I’m fine with my own pain…to a certain extent, but I’m trying to keep in mind that I have a husband, children and extended family that will be hurt if I act too rashly. Let me give you a little idea of what I’m talking about. We are considering opening our marriage a little. I think that Kevin has been thinking about it for a while. It’s fun and exciting. He and I are of the same mind that it is so intriguing and sexually stimulating, but we are wary that it might ruin us both. We’ve talked a lot about what we want and need. I’m having a hard time separating the two things. Do I really need to have attention from other men to feel good and sexy about myself…or do I just want it? He and I have always had a bit more loose lifestyle, but do I dare take it to the next level? I feel like I am becoming a shallow existence of the person I once was. I love being social and making people laugh. Now I find myself alone nearly every day tending to children and the duties of a stay at home mom. This isn’t a bad thing, necessarily, but I feel like I am being lost in it. It is very difficult for me to get turned on at the end of a hectic day. I know this is the case for a lot of mothers, and busy women. I am not one of those women that turn my husband away, and we have a quite active sex life. I’m trying to find a happy medium where I am happy with who I am, and I feel sexually satisfied.

Dr. Dewey: I am still thinking about where I would suggest you jump. Not an easy answer. As I think about your considering an “open marriage” it would be exciting but I believe very strongly casual sex is empty and leaves one feeling used and alone. The emotional connection needed to make physical intimacy meaningful would tend to lead to feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. It would hurt some or all at some point in time.

Alice: My husband is of the mind that a lot of things are okay as long as they are casual. He doesn’t want me to get emotionally involved with someone else. We’ve spent a lot of time discussing this…but still aren’t sure where we stand. Last night we were thinking we would bag the whole thing. Today…I was face-timing with a guy I met through a couples dating site. Obviously, we flop easily. We are going very slow. We don’t want to get caught up in the lust of it and do something rash.

Dr. Dewey: Alice, I have been thinking about your situation a great deal. You seem to feel there is more out there, that life is passing you by and there should be more meaning to your existence. You are bored with the way things are in many aspects and want a change.

In any event, looking for more in life is a common issue and I think a good thing. It is just important where you expect to find it. As exciting as it might sound, casual sex in a meaningless relationship, is not going to do it. It will do just the opposite and leave you empty and feeling used. You for sure need to find something “meaningful”.

Here is part of a poem I found, “A critical point of this life, it surely seems to me, is to create and not destroy, it is without question a key. Whether it be a building, a painting, or a piece of pottery; these temporal things can add immensely to who we are, and who we come to be. As I sit here and ponder this idea of creation, (a garden of peas, an orchard of trees, the fresh mown grass as it blows in the breeze), all add to the joy that builds within our being, and yes it’s true that it does seem to please.”

Exponentially greater then these examples I’ve shared, is the meaning that comes forth when two people are paired. Two souls in the cosmos as we travel along can sometimes come together from the midst of the throng…

What this is suggesting is creation is the key. It may be temporal things that you do that will lead you to peace. These are certainly safer then creating new human relationships, but I believe it is also true that it is the human relationships that bring the most meaning. When two people build a deep emotional connection it is “creating” but in the wrong circumstance or when it is based on superficial selfishness it will be destroying.

I am interested in how you feel about the current dissatisfaction in your life and what it will take to satisfy. Do you know yet? I sense it has to do with creating and needs to have substance. What are you thinking regarding this? Maybe you should build a library?

Alice: I feel like a very unsuccessful person right about now. I should be totally satisfied. I have everything anyone could ever want in life. Right? I’ve been thinking about the creating thing. I just don’t know what I would create. What do you mean build a library?

Dr. Dewey: Building a library was sort of a joke, but would satisfy a desire to create temporally (the building) and intellectually (the books or the intellect contained within the books). You are creating now, look at the children you are continuing to shape and mold, look at your body that you are continuing to improve.

My suggestion is you continue in those wonderful and fulfilling endeavors and then add a serious intellectual pursuit. Get a degree in English literature, become an RN, study religions of the Far East. Start an in depth study of Mormonism and its history.

Set a goal to become a president of a clothing company or an on line gourmet food store.

What interests you? Getting to know another man would be exciting and fulfilling only if you could really get connected mentally but that would lead to frustration because of the other issues such as time restraints, money, sex, kids, etc. Life is so interesting and exciting and challenging and there for the taking. All we need to do is reach out, put forth the effort and gather it in. Easier said than done. Most of us have had our share of relationship challenges and know firsthand all of the frustrations that come from unfulfilled emotions and jealousy and time constraints, etc… I know for me  patience has been a huge source of peace and now for me, peace is a far more preferred emotion then happiness. The more patient I am, the more peace I have found in my life.

Alice: I think that I have been very self-absorbed. Unfortunately all the worrying about me has just added more chaos and turmoil to my household. The main job I have in life right now is to be a wife and mother…neither of which am I doing very well currently. I feel like things have spiraled out of control .I thought that other relationships, especially sexually charged ones, would make me feel good about me. I was wrong. Years ago when I was a younger mother I started reading about an organizational guru name Marla Ciley. She is better known as the Flylady. She is all about routines. While I found the majority of what she says to be cheesy and ridiculous, I liked the routines. It made me feel in control, and successful. Running also does this for me, it has made me learn to control my body. I feel like I’m losing the life that I have worked years to set up. I’m ashamed. I eat more. I sleep less, and the anxiety is getting bigger. I think that you are right. I need to find something else to help me feel fulfilled. I’ve always valued the relationships I have with my friends, but am often disappointed when I “love” them more than they “love” me. I realize that sounds quite melodramatic, but no one wants to be in a relationship where they are always the pursuer. I have quite a few friends that confide in me and want me to help them through issues they have. But then when the roles are reversed, I feel like I don’t have a lot of confidants in return. This week I’m focusing on getting my family organized and having our home flow better. I think that’s a good start for me. I started my focused training for my first marathon in May. After I feel like I’m not running in circles trying to clear the haze I’ve created in my mind, I’m going to find something to do that’s just for me. There isn’t a lot that doesn’t interest me…so it should be easy to find a serious intellectual pursuit. I hope I can learn to be more patient and find peace that way.

Dr. Dewey: I agree with what you are saying about some routine and our understanding what our primary responsibilities are at any given time in our lives. Yours is to be a wife and mother first.  Mine is to be a husband, father, grandfather, provider and to improve those relationships. Another major “job” for me right now is to come to know God more intimately. That sounds corny but it is how I feel. I am not always doing all the church asks of me but I am accepting my weakness and transgressions and honest feelings and still seeking that closeness to Heavenly Father I feel is there.

Balance is elusive and personal fulfillment should include a healthy physical self and all the running and working out that entails. It is also about intellectual improvement and spiritual improvement. My relationships with others are for the most part fulfilling, but I often want to be closer.

Question 10, Is it safe to have sex while pregnant?

It might be well to first discuss the physiology of the sexual response in women.  There would be no problems to mother or fetus related to sexual arousal. Blood flow to the pelvic organs is increased and some lubricating fluids are produced neither of which would be harmful.

During female orgasm, there is some vaginal muscle contractions but aside from an increased pelvic organ blood 'congestion' no significant changes occur to the uterus including blood flow to the placenta. Some women describe uterine contractions with intercourse but this is not a result of female orgasm but the effects of the semen.  Semen has a compound in it named a prostaglandin.  In fact that is where this chemical got its name.  It was found some time ago that fluid from the prostate gland would cause the smooth muscle of the uterus to contract.  It is true that a woman who is threatening pre-term labor or who has an advanced cervical dilatation may be 'pushed' into labor by the prostaglandin in semen but in normal situations it is not a problem.  In fact, sometimes, we might encourage a woman near term to have sexual intercourse as the semen may help soften, thin and dilate the cervix.

There may be an increased risk of infection as bacteria are introduced into the vagina by the mechanics of penile penetration but again, in normal circumstances this is not a concern.  If the male has a sexual transmissible infection this could certainly be a problem.

One last comment about the mechanics of intercourse.  Some have expressed a concern about the potential of the erect penis causing some mechanical harm to the fetal head.  This is impossible and not a concern at all.

There are some benefits of sexual intimacy during pregnancy.  Having an orgasm is almost always a stress relieving and relaxing event.  The anxiety of pregnancy can be benefited by this.  It often allows a better nights sleep as well. Since one of the difficulties during pregnancy for a woman is getting a good nights sleep this may be helpful.  A woman's sense of self image and beauty is often challenged with the physical changes that accompany pregnancy.  A husband who reassures his wife that he finds her beautiful and attractive can also be very important and what better way to express this then by letting her know he would like to be with her physically.

Finally, a woman's interest in physical intimacy is quite variable from one woman to the next and even from one pregnancy to another.  The hormonal changes so pronounced during gestation are hard to predict and are varied.  It behooves a caring partner to be aware of these complicated emotions and try and discern how his wife is responding to these hormonal changes.  Act accordingly men.  Women, you need to be aware that most men find the physical changes that are occurring to your body arousing, stimulating and attractive.  Enjoy these changes, enjoy your pregnancy and be assured it is healthy and beneficial in almost all circumstances to enjoy physical intimacy.

Answer question 9, How much weight should I gain while pregnant?

There are still many health care professionals who feel caloric intake should be increased during pregnancy.  This idea is based on the baby and the reproductive organs requiring more calories.  It has merit but by far and away the biggest problem we see in the U.S. is too much weight gain.

The healthy mom who stays active and eats a normal diet without trying to "eat for two" will gain about 20 lbs.. Anything above this is not necessary. The extra weight represents the fetus, the fluid around the fetus, the placenta and the extra blood volume the mother carries.  It also is representative of the extra fat stores mom needs to feed her baby if she breast feeds.  It takes about 500 calories per day to feed a growing newborn.  So if the baby, fluid and placenta weigh about 10lbs. total this leaves about 10lbs. of fat stores for feeding baby.

If mom is eating regularly, not over eating, after delivery she will easily get the extra 500 calories per day needed for the nursing baby.  The natural storage of the extra weight is an emergency storage in case the mom is put in a starvation situation.  That is so rare of a problem in the U.S. I have never seen it.

So,  a 20 lb, weight gain is ideal in pregnancy. This leaves a 10 lb. buffer which will probably not be needed anyway.  I should mention that gaining way more then this is the norm in the U.S.. Most mothers put on 40 lbs. and I have seen 90 lb, weight gains more then you would think.  I do not worry about a 40 or 50 lb. wt. gain as it doesn't really affect the baby and moms do fine.  It gets tough to lose pregnancy weight for most women so I encourage the lower weight gains but usually don't make a big deal of it.  It is not that big a deal. No pun intended. ;)

Question #8: Is it normal to have pelvic/uterine cramping while pregnant?

It is not uncommon at all to feel menstrual like cramps throughout pregnancy. The uterus is basically a muscle and designed to contract.  As with any muscle it resists stretching.  The slow but steady growth of the fetus subtly over time enlarges the uterus and during that process the smooth muscle will contract to one degree or another.

Early in pregnancy I get asked all of the time if it means there is an increased in miscarrying.  As long as there is no bleeding it feel it is nothing to worry about.  Later in pregnancy there is a concern as to whether the cramping represents labor.  It is very common to have a lot of uterine cramping at about 6-7 months and continuing through pregnancy.  A woman who has had a child already will experience this more.  These are called Braxton-Hicks contractions named after an English physician.  They are harmless.

I would say the best way to determine if these false labor contractions (Braxton-Hicks) are truly false labor is to trust your instincts.  Almost all women know for sure when real labor starts.  It is much more painful, more regular and over several hours will progress and become more painful and the contractions closer together while maintaining their regular frequent nature.

Question #7: Can I fly while pregnant?

The short answer is "only in an airplane." :) More elaboration is useful.  Aside from the inherent dangers associated with a potential plane crash, (which by the way are not as likely as getting killed in a car crash on a mile for mile basis) the only issue is changes in barometric pressure.

It is true that barometric pressure changes can and do effect the fetus but only minimally.  It is much more of a potential problem with the vastly higher pressures we see in scuba diving. The pressure changes in flying are related to decreasing barometric pressures which can lessen the oxygen saturation of the blood.  When we are talking of getting up around 10,000 feet or higher it could theoretically diminish the amount of oxygen the mother delivers to the baby and could be an issue so I would not recommend a woman spend much time above this 10,000 foot level.  NO Himalaya expeditions while pregnant but skiing at Snowbird is ok if you don't decide to live on Hidden Peak.

The average cabin pressure changes in an aircraft would never be much more then traveling up to 7 or 8 thousand feet and is not a problem.

The other two minor considerations have to do with access to medical care.  The airlines are not equipped to deliver a baby in mid flight and therefore are not going to ever say it is fine to fly if you ask them outright as they don't want to assume that liability.  They would ask for a doctors note to shift the liability to the doctor.  Unless you are within a week or two of your due date this is not really a problem. It is not true that normal barometric pressure changes as with flying, a storm or going into the mountains will induce labor. The other access to care issue has to do with flying away to some distant city where you are not aware of medical resources such as your doctor or hospital.  Flying to Boston when you are 38 weeks pregnant may increase your chances of having your baby in Boston delivered at an unknown hospital by an unknown physician., but it is only related to the fact you are approaching your due date.   I am sure you would get excellent care there but in unfamiliar surroundings.

I typically recommend not flying after 34 weeks for the reasons mentioned above and not asking the airlines permission.  If you do want to ask the airlines if it is ok to fly take a note from me to that effect because they will ask for a doctors release.

Question #6: What exercises can I participate in while pregnant?

Physical fitness is just as important during pregnancy as when not pregnant, maybe more so.  There are two main points to keep in mind.

The first is that any activity that could potentially injure you could injure the baby. The converse is also true, any action that is not going to injure you is not going to hurt the baby.  The fetus is in an extremely protected environment.  It is cushioned in a bag of water which is covered  by a thick muscle which is in turn covered by the mothers strong abdominal muscles and to varying degrees, a fat layer.  Exercises such as jogging, cycling, treadmills, ellipticals and climbers are great in pregnancy.  Swimming is a super way to exercise in pregnancy.  Light weights and weight machines are also safe and useful for pregnant women to stay in shape or get in shape.  Calisthenics such as stretching, sit ups and push ups, yoga, lunges, Pilate's are all ok.

I suggest people take care when snowmobiling, skiing, boarding, water skiing, boating, climbing, etc... as these activities carry an inherent risk of injury.  While it isn't likely one is going to get hurt in these activities care should be used, and keep in mind if it can hurt you it can hurt the baby.

The second point is related to maternal heart rate,  It turns there is an optimal heart rate that allows the heart to be the most efficient at pumping blood.  It has to do with filling time and the volume the heart is pumping per stroke.  This rate is at about 140 beats per minute.  So when doing cardio workouts please try and keep your heart rate at a maximum of 140 beats per minute.

One last comment about activities.   It is uncommon for a pregnant woman to be a scuba diver but for those of you who might be, take care.  The partial pressure of oxygen in the blood is affected by the pressures of diving and most authorities don't recommend scuba diving in pregnancy.  I have an avid and experienced diver who while pregnant has taken dives to 20 and 25 feet and has had absolutely no problems but I cautioned her to go no deeper.  Snorkeling is safe and very rewarding save the occasional shark attack..

Question #5: Is it normal to have bleeding when you are pregnant?

It is never normal to bleed when you are pregnant.  Having said that, it certainly doesn't mean that if you do bleed it means you will miscarry or even have any harm to the baby.  In fact it all depends when in the pregnancy, how much, and what the source of the bleeding is.

Early 1st trimester bleeding (within the first 12 weeks) is always concerning to me as it does increase the risk that the pregnancy may be non-viable or end in a miscarriage.  If the bleeding is light or moderate, lighter then a normal period, there is about a 50/50 chance it portends a loss.  That also says there is a 50% chance all will be normal.

Bleeding in pregnancy can come from 4 possible sources; the placenta, the cervix, the bladder or the bowels.  If its from the cervix it is often associated with intercourse and is usually light.  Bladder bleeding can appear and would be indicative of an infection.  The most common type of bowel bleeding is related to hemorrhoids and can usually easily be elucidated. So these are not usually dangerous to the pregnancy.  Bleeding from the placenta can be indicative that the pregnancy is not growing or already dead.  The heavier the bleeding and the more the cramping the more concern. It is a simple thing to find the answer and an ultrasound can almost always tell us the truth.

Bleeding during the 2nd and early third trimester is much rarer. If it's heavy even as much as a period it should be evaluated either by going to the hospital or your doctors office a.s.a.p.. Light bleeding that is not painful is likely coming from the cervix, especially if it is associated with intercourse. Your doctor should be informed but it is not an emergency.   Heavy bleeding at this stage of pregnancy can mean the placenta is separating and is an emergency.

Bleeding in the late 3rd trimester or near the last 3 or 4 weeks of pregnancy can either be associated with labor and cervical change or the placenta and possible placental separation.  Again it is important if it is heavy like a period or heavier and painful.  This type of bleeding would be more likely from a placental separation and is an emergency.  Light bleeding that is not painful or associated with contractions is not an emergency but may mean labor is starting and a hospital or doctors office visit would be advised.

Question #4: Can I use Tylenol while pregnant?

There are various causes of pain in our bodies.  The nervous system has multiple types of sensory nerves to interpret different "injuries" to our bodies.  There are stretch receptors, pressure receptors, thermal receptors, and if you crush or cut a nerve fiber or receptor end it will send impulses back to the brain.  Those impulses are interpreted to some extent by which fibers they are arriving on.  If a crush injury occurs on your leg, all of the sensory nerves; i.e. pressure, stretch and thermal,  are sending messages and the brain initially "reads" pain but it takes the eye, past experience and the minds computing of all of this input to understand what is really happening.

So, all pain medicines work to either block the pain messages from going down the fibers, or to alter the brains interpretation of the message.  We sometimes separate these different modalities of pain relief as centrally acting or peripherally acting.  Injectable medicines such as xylocaine work peripherally to block nerve impulses, while codiene works within the brain to alter the brains interpretation of the impulse.  Pain medicines are also categorized into opioid and non-opioid analgesics. Tylenol or acetamenophine is a non-opioid while morphine is an opioid.  Both are centrally acting..

One important process in our bodies that involves healing and defense is called inflammation.  Inflammation is the mechanism whereby the body tries to kill, seal off and limit damage from insults whether they be infectious or traumatic.  Inflammation is swelling, redness, production of heat, and is modulated by the immune system and immunochemicals.  This process is started by a chemical reaction originating from a molecule called cyclooxygenase.  It causes pain. Many of the commonly used pain relievers block this chemical reaction.

Steroids such as prednisone and hydrocortisone have long been known to block inflammation.  They inhibit this inflammatory process in multiple ways sometimes to the bodies long term detriment.  Drugs were developed that didn't have such broad suppression of the immune system but limited inflammation.  These are called Non-steroidal antiinflammatory drugs or NSAIDS.  Ibuprofen, good old aspirin and Naprosyn are examples of common NSAIDS. Tylenol is not an NSAID which is important.

There is a part of the fetal circulation that allows blood to flow thru the heart and bypass the lungs. In the fetus the lungs play no real role in keeping it alive so not much blood is needed there while the baby is developing in the uterus.  Science found that NSAIDS cause that bypass mechanism to close and the concern with using NSAIDS during pregnancy is that it will close.  It is called the ductus arteriosis.  It is really only theoretical and has never been confirmed to happen even in women who have uses NSAIDS during pregnancy. In fact, there is a type of NSAID called Indomethicine that was used for some time to help prevent preterm labor.  No cases of premature closure of the ductus were ever found. Never the less, we don't recommend using these drugs during pregnancy. On the other hand there is no known dangers to using acetimeniphine or opioids during pregnancy in recommended amounts. No adverse effects have ever been shown to the fetus and thousands of women have used these drugs in large amounts.

In fact, treating a fever (which Tylenol is effective at reducing) and eliminating the pain of a headache is probably beneficial in pregnancy allowing the mothers normal bodily functions to proceed unhampered.  Tylenol is safe to take during pregnancy.

Question #3: Can I get in a hot tub while pregnant?

The discussion in question 2 regarding the thermo regulatory center of our body and the baby being isolated from the external environment is the basis for our concerns about hot tubs.  Body biochemical reactions are quite temperature sensitive and only work well between about 96 degrees and 102 degrees. Our bodies are very efficient at keeping our temps about 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.  The babies core temp in utero runs about 99.5 to 100 as it's only temp regulation is related to the blood flow from baby thru the placenta.

As you would expect, the baby could get over heated if the mothers body temp is elevated and she is unable to cool herself such as in a hot tub.  The normal body temp being close to 99 allows bath or hot tub water to be safe around 100 degrees.  This would feel very warm to the touch and very comfortable and one could spend as much time as one wished at this temp.  I recommend in water from 101 to 105 to limit time submersed to 10 minutes.  This water would feel hot and would turn the skin red.  At 104 -105 it would be hard to get into.  Anything above 104 or so I recommend staying out of.

Question #2: Is it ok to tan when pregnant?

The body has an amazing temperature regulation system. It is part of the autonomic nervous system and is located centrally within the brain.  It is the thermoregulatory system. It controls our body temperature by shunting blood to the peripheral skin surfaces, dilating these vessels, and causing sweating which cools the skin by evaporation.  It sometimes malfunctions such as when we get an infection and associated fever.  The main way we keep our bodies the right temperature is by our interface with the outside world.

A fetus is cocooned within the uterus which is surrounded by fluid and by the maternal body.  These coverings isolate the fetal body from interaction with the outside world environment thus eliminating in large measure its ability to regulate its own temperature.

So,  how does this all relate to tanning?  The light rays used in a tanning booth are either UVA or UVB on the electromagnetic spectrum.  These are relatively short wavelength and have very limited capacity to penetrate solid structures including the human body.  The penetrance of these light waves is only millimeters into the epidermis/dermis of the skin and in no way could reach the fetus so well covered within the uterus.  The only possible issue could be the over heating of the mothers body which is very unlikely in a tanning booth.  Thus, it is totally safe for your pregnancy to tan in a tanning booth.  It may not be the best idea when it comes to causing skin cancers and you increase your risks of developing skin cancers by exposing you skin to these damaging light rays.  Melanoma is the most common type of skin cancer associated with sun damage.

Question #1: Is it safe to use hair dye when pregnant?

Is it safe to use hair dye when pregnant?

The dyes used to color hair are varied and depend on the color of the underlying hair pigment and the color planned on.  They include peroxides and ammonia which cause no problems in pregnancy. P-phenylene diamine, 1,4, diaminobenzene and 2,5, diaminotoluene are other common dyes.

These can be toxic to humans and would potentially harm a pregnancy only if ingested into the systemic circulation.  Little if any of these chemicals are able to penetrate the skin and with the caps used to protect the scalp it is even less of a problem.  Inhalation of the fumes has not been shown to be a problem but I would always recommend a well ventilated area and even a fan to dissipate the fumes.

Over all it is safe to use hair colors during pregnancy and has never been shown to be a danger to the fetus.  Don't drink the stuff however! :)

Tori's Struggle with Drug Addiction (Part 3)

The day I saw Dr. Dewey was a Friday. I had taken pills that morning about 9am. My appointment was at 11am. So by the time I got home I was already feeling sick. On my way home I had so many emotions going through me. I was scared to death to go through detox but I was done taking pills. I knew as soon as I got home I had to flush all the pills I had, because I knew when it got bad and when I got super sick I needed to have no options but go through the detox. I also contacted my friend that day and told her the gig was up. She was cold to me, but I knew that it was a necessary step.

What I experienced for the next seven days was something that is hard to express in words. By that evening I felt completely weak and very nauseated. By the time it had been 24 hours I just wanted to die. Looking back it was a good thing that I got rid of all my pills, because without a doubt being as sick as I was, I would have taken anything to not feel the way I felt. Although my husband felt like I needed to be in rehab, I knew in my heart that I could do it myself; which was a lot harder than I expected. I can’t tell you the countless prayers that I said during that week. And I know at times that prayer was the only reason I was able to continue.

Dr. Dewey has been a listening ear for me and I see him every couple weeks to check in. The reason for sharing my story is because I want women that are going through my same struggles to know that it is possible to take back control of your life. Never give up hope! The 4-7 days of hell that you’ll go through doesn’t compare to how good you’ll fell knowing you’ve got your life back. It will always be something that I struggle with. It’s been just over two months now, so it’s something I think about every day. I’m no longer in a fog. I can think clearly. I’ve lost weight – about twenty pounds! My relationships will take some time to mend completely, and I’m far from perfect, but I’m grateful I’m where I am at today.

This may sound silly, which people without addiction might not understand, but I still have refills on some of the pain pills. I have chosen to leave it that way because it empowers me to know that I that they are within an arm’s reach but I chose every day for myself that I don’t want them in my life. Choosing to stop on my own is so much better than someone else choosing for me. – Tori, age 34

I believe Tori will make it! She is unusual in that she came to a self-realization early and was able to sop “cold turkey”. We often will taper someone and use other meds to damper the effect so the withdrawal but her method worked for her.

She emphasized an important point I alluded to earlier; most people can’t be forced to change their behavior. The change has to come from inside. Locking someone away from the problem only solves the problem temporarily and superficially. Tori felt empowered to change her life and having a prescription around added to that source of empowerment, but I wouldn’t recommend it for most. Stay as far away from it as possible, it’s not a good idea for an alcoholic to spend a lot of time in a bar.

                Is Tori at risk to start using again? I believe she is and I’ve talked to her carefully about his. The physical and psychological aspects of her life have not completely changed. She will still have a high level of risk because of these needs to justify, and return to her drug use. Her awareness of this will help.

How do all of you see this? Any comments or questions?

Alice - Where do I fit in?

Alice: Hey, I have a somewhat personal question for you. Well, it’s personal for me, not you. How do you feel about that on Facebook? I’m not planning on coming for a doctor’s appointment until February and am curious about your thoughts about his particular subject.

Dr. Dewey: I am happy to entertain personal questions in this venue, as I believe it is private. Shoot!

Alice: I figured as much, but wanted to check first. I’m thinking about having an intimate piercing. Have you have experience with them? I think it will be beneficial for me, but am wondering if you think it will cause me problems down the road. Keep in mind I’m only 31…I need my parts happy for a long time.

Dr. Dewey: From a physiological basis there would be no benefit. It would not add anatomic benefit to achieve orgasms. It may, however, psychologically add much. Our sexual function is in a large way tied to the psyche. I don’t think it would be harmful to your anatomy if done sterile and professional.  I wonder how it will affect your view on the world and of yourself. I have personally been opposed to body piercing except the traditional ear lobe.

Alice: I’m having a difficult time determining where I fit in the world. There’s this whole lifestyle that is so appealing to me and yet so different from how I have been taught to be. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something big. I want to jump in with both feet, but I’m not sure I’d ever come up for air. I’m frustrated with how I function during sex. I get turned on, but usually have to turn to masturbating to orgasm. I’m sure it’s the typical “mom “syndrome where I’m so chaotic all day that by the end it’s difficult to view myself or my husband sexually. I want to have him enjoy our sex life very much. And I want to as well. I just feel drawn by the attraction I feel towards that “thrill of the chase”. I keep thinking if I do this or that, it will help. I’m just frustrated!! Both sexually and mentally. I think you are right that it’s psychological. So do I change my psyche? How? How do I change?

Dr. Dewey: Alice, you ask the question of the ages. Some of us, or maybe all of us, at one time or another find ourselves dissatisfied. It might be anything from our sexuality to our role as parents to our professional career. You are standing on the edge! I believe you need to examine carefully where you want to jump, but that you do need to jump. Our religion and culture do play a significant role and are primarily there to protect us from “jumping” in the wrong direction, but our religion and culture don’t necessarily tell us not to jump. I will suggest you channel these feeling towards exciting and new dimensions in your life. It seems to me and from my own experience it is an opportunity for learning and growth. It often ends up causing some pain and anguish and that can facilitate knowledge and understanding, compassion and empathy, tolerance and forgiveness. I would like to think about his for a while. Really ponder these issues as I know many feel the same. I certainly know I don’t have all the answers, but maybe some.

 

Dr. Dewey: I have started thinking and pondering. Here is a quote that keeps coming into my head, “most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them”. Maybe we can learn much from those that have felt much and written much. That was a quote from Thorou, Henry David.

Alice: Thank you for your response. It doesn’t really help me know what to do though…me and my wild streak.

What do you mean by this statement? “I believe you need to examine carefully where you want to jump but that you do need to jump.” I agree that I need to channel these feelings, and I’m trying to do so in a way that isn’t going to damage me…too bad. I think you are totally right that through some pain and anguish we can learn and grow. I’m fine with my own pain…to a certain extent, but I’m trying to keep in mind that I have a husband, children and extended family that will be hurt if I act too rashly. Let me give you a little idea of what I’m talking about. We are considering opening our marriage a little. I think that Kevin has been thinking about it for a while. It’s fun and exciting. He and I are of the same mind that it is so intriguing and sexually stimulating, but we are wary that it might ruin us both. We’ve talked a lot about what we want and need. I’m having a hard time separating the two things. Do I really need to have attention from other men to feel good and sexy about myself…or do I just want it? He and I have always had a bit more loose lifestyle, but do I dare take it to the next level? I feel like I am becoming a shallow existence of the person I once was. I love being social and making people laugh. Now I find myself alone nearly every day tending to children and the duties of a stay at home mom. This isn’t a bad thing, necessarily, but I feel like I am being lost in it. It is very difficult for me to get turned on at the end of a hectic day. I know this is the case for a lot of mothers, and busy women. I am not one of those women that turn my husband away, and we have a quite active sex life. I’m trying to find a happy medium where I am happy with who I am, and I feel sexually satisfied.

Dr. Dewey: I am still thinking about where I would suggest you jump. Not an easy answer. As I think about your considering an “open marriage” it would be exciting but I believe very strongly casual sex is empty and leaves one feeling used and alone. The emotional connection needed to make physical intimacy meaningful would tend to lead to feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. It would hurt some or all at some point in time.

Alice: My husband is of the mind that a lot of things are okay as long as they are casual. He doesn’t want me to get emotionally involved with someone else. We’ve spent a lot of time discussing this…but still aren’t sure where we stand. Last night we were thinking we would bag the whole thing. Today…I was face-timing with a guy I met through a couples dating site. Obviously, we flop easily. We are going very slow. We don’t want to get caught up in the lust of it and do something rash.

Dr. Dewey: Alice, I have been thinking about your situation a great deal. You seem to feel there is more out there, that life is passing you by and there should be more meaning to your existence. You are bored with the way things are in many aspects and want a change.

In any event, looking for more in life is a common issue and I think a good thing. It is just important where you expect to find it. As exciting as it might sound, casual sex in a meaningless relationship, is not going to do it. It will do just the opposite and leave you empty and feeling used. You for sure need to find something “meaningful”.

Here is part of a poem I found, “A critical point of this life, it surely seems to me, is to create and not destroy, it is without question a key. Whether it be a building, a painting, or a piece of pottery; these temporal things can add immensely to who we are, and who we come to be. As I sit here and ponder this idea of creation, (a garden of peas, an orchard of trees, the fresh mown grass as it blows in the breeze), all add to the joy that builds within our being, and yes it’s true that it does seem to please.”

Exponentially greater then these examples I’ve shared, is the meaning that comes forth when two people are paired. Two souls in the cosmos as we travel along can sometimes come together from the midst of the throng…

What this is suggesting is creation is the key. It may be temporal things that you do that will lead you to peace. These are certainly safer then creating new human relationships, but I believe it is also true that it is the human relationships that bring the most meaning. When two people build a deep emotional connection it is “creating” but in the wrong circumstance or when it is based on superficial selfishness it will be destroying.

I am interested in how you feel about the current dissatisfaction in your life and what it will take to satisfy. Do you know yet? I sense it has to do with creating and needs to have substance. What are you thinking regarding this? Maybe you should build a library?

Alice: I feel like a very unsuccessful person right about now. I should be totally satisfied. I have everything anyone could ever want in life. Right? I’ve been thinking about the creating thing. I just don’t know what I would create. What do you mean build a library?

Dr. Dewey: Building a library was sort of a joke, but would satisfy a desire to create temporally (the building) and intellectually (the books or the intellect contained within the books). You are creating now, look at the children you are continuing to shape and mold, look at your body that you are continuing to improve.

My suggestion is you continue in those wonderful and fulfilling endeavors and then add a serious intellectual pursuit. Get a degree in English literature, become an RN, study religions of the Far East. Start an in depth study of Mormonism and its history.

Set a goal to become a president of a clothing company or an on line gourmet food store.

What interests you? Getting to know another man would be exciting and fulfilling only if you could really get connected mentally but that would lead to frustration because of the other issues such as time restraints, money, sex, kids, etc. Life is so interesting and exciting and challenging and there for the taking. All we need to do is reach out, put forth the effort and gather it in. Easier said than done. Most of us have had our share of relationship challenges and know firsthand all of the frustrations that come from unfulfilled emotions and jealousy and time constraints, etc… I know for me  patience has been a huge source of peace and now for me, peace is a far more preferred emotion then happiness. The more patient I am, the more peace I have found in my life.

Alice: I think that I have been very self-absorbed. Unfortunately all the worrying about me has just added more chaos and turmoil to my household. The main job I have in life right now is to be a wife and mother…neither of which am I doing very well currently. I feel like things have spiraled out of control .I thought that other relationships, especially sexually charged ones, would make me feel good about me. I was wrong. Years ago when I was a younger mother I started reading about an organizational guru name Marla Ciley. She is better known as the Flylady. She is all about routines. While I found the majority of what she says to be cheesy and ridiculous, I liked the routines. It made me feel in control, and successful. Running also does this for me, it has made me learn to control my body. I feel like I’m losing the life that I have worked years to set up. I’m ashamed. I eat more. I sleep less, and the anxiety is getting bigger. I think that you are right. I need to find something else to help me feel fulfilled. I’ve always valued the relationships I have with my friends, but am often disappointed when I “love” them more than they “love” me. I realize that sounds quite melodramatic, but no one wants to be in a relationship where they are always the pursuer. I have quite a few friends that confide in me and want me to help them through issues they have. But then when the roles are reversed, I feel like I don’t have a lot of confidants in return. This week I’m focusing on getting my family organized and having our home flow better. I think that’s a good start for me. I started my focused training for my first marathon in May. After I feel like I’m not running in circles trying to clear the haze I’ve created in my mind, I’m going to find something to do that’s just for me. There isn’t a lot that doesn’t interest me…so it should be easy to find a serious intellectual pursuit. I hope I can learn to be more patient and find peace that way.

Dr. Dewey: I agree with what you are saying about some routine and our understanding what our primary responsibilities are at any given time in our lives. Yours is to be a wife and mother first.  Mine is to be a husband, father, grandfather, provider and to improve those relationships. Another major “job” for me right now is to come to know God more intimately. That sounds corny but it is how I feel. I am not always doing all the church asks of me but I am accepting my weakness and transgressions and honest feelings and still seeking that closeness to Heavenly Father I feel is there.

Balance is elusive and personal fulfillment should include a healthy physical self and all the running and working out that entails. It is also about intellectual improvement and spiritual improvement. My relationships with others are for the most part fulfilling, but I often want to be closer.